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Saturday, November 09, 2002

Florence is the latest metropolis cursed with a convergence of stinky hippies.

Hundreds of thousands of protesters from across Europe have joined a rally in the Italian city of Florence to voice their opposition to any war with Iraq.

Meanwhile, every political leader in the world who actually has a say over whether or not we will go to war says "So what?"

Led by a banner that read "No war" the protesters, many carrying placards or coloured flags, processed through the city to the sounds of whistles and music.

They were also led by placards that read "F**k Capitalismo". There's a hint of irony here - Florence is famous for its history of commerce and the exceptional talents of its bean counters. "Capitalismo" built that city before it was even really a word, and the principle of it fostered its growth and the patronage of some of the most gorgeous works of art in the world - works of art that on this day have to be guarded by police to keep these morons from destroying them.

"The atmosphere here is wonderful. Absolutely perfect. It shows that a new young left is emerging," said Stavos Valsamis, a 27-year-old Greek activist from Athens.

Whatever, Stavos. Take my word for it - one morning you will wake up in the real world, where life isn't about unicorns and rainbows. There will actually come a time where the most important decision you make will not be which scent of pachouli oil to wear to the big protest. Then again, maybe it won't. Maybe you're destined to die as stupid as you were born. The "new young left" is eternal. Ideology will permanently reign over adolescence and young adulthood, and we will always be faced with crowds of them gathering together to dispute reality and complain that everything in the world isn't the way they think it should be. The good news is that, most of the time, nobody gets hurt so we can all have a good laugh at their expense.

But the message behind the rally was a serious one: "Take your war and go to hell," one banner read. "Bush, Blair and Berlusconi - assassins" said another.

Take your banner and stuff it in your bunghole. "Protesters, hippies, and lefties - retards".

"We want to demonstrate that a different world is possible," said Noemi Cucchi, who travelled from the Italian port of Ancona with her sister.

Yeah, like the kind of world where military brutes can be stripped of their dictatorships and the principle of democracy governs every inch of the globe. Imagine it!





Friday, November 08, 2002

The latest Prodatown News...I beg your pardon...Portadown News (whatever you do, don't call it "Ulster's funniest satirical column from the web"...that might get you killed) is up earlier than expected. Go henceforth and laugh.





Thursday, November 07, 2002

Bored and unimaginative researchers have once again produced another Totally Useless Study Concluding With Blatantly Obvious Results.

Dangerous Drinking Style Popular Among College Students

The survey found the number of students who drink on celebration days, such as "welcome week," Halloween, St. Patrick's Day, home-game football Saturdays, the end of fall semester, and spring break, is greater than the percentage that drink on typical days.

Uh-huh. And the percentage of people who get Christmas presents at Christmas is greater than the percentage of those who do on other days.

In addition, those students who drink on celebration days tend to drink more, drink over a longer period of time, and are more likely to get drunk.

People get drunk at celebrations! I bet none of you knew that.

Other ingenious findings:

•Those who go out as part of a group and stay with the same people are less likely to drink excessively.
•Those who stay in the same place are less likely to drink too much than those who jump from party to party or bar hop.
•Those who drink only one kind of alcohol during the event are less likely to get drunk than those who drink a variety of types of alcohol.




Matthew “I hate America” Engel strikes again. Beginning today, I’m starting a “Revoke the Bastard’s Visa” campaign. Anyone interested in assisting with this enterprise should contact me ASAP.

For interesting, thoughtful analysis and comment on America from a Brit, see Alistair Cooke.





Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Athena Runner on voter "protest". She echoes my thoughts exactly.




Wow. I can’t believe how much crap I wrote last night. Of course, the papers this morning have made every last word of it irrelevant. Then again, Pejman did make a rather impressive gubernatorial bid in my comments section, so I guess it was all worthwhile. Here’s a hint for next time around, though, Pej: history has shown that most successful campaigns for governor have generally been launched before the polls close.

So, happy Wednesday, everybody. Gray Davis is still governor, Maxine Waters is going back to Washington (on behalf of the non-lunatics of my district, I would like to apologize to the American people for that), and California will henceforth be known as “Big Nanny”.

Yousefzadeh for Governor 2006!





Tuesday, November 05, 2002

Okay, I'm a bit exhausted from this long run. I really need to go to sleep. I'll leave you with a prayer.

GOP Gains Control of Congress

Dear God,
Please let the GOP constrain itself from their own under-indulgences. Grant them the wisdom to not want to force the rest of the country to be constricted by their own inhibitions. Show the mercy and spare us the wrath of pro-life and anti-homosexual fucktards who don't believe in fun. I hope you know I'm saying this as a semi-neo-conservative who has a sensible grasp on morality and as a person who is fully aware of the limitations of my own vices, but at the same time prizes laughter above all else. In nutshell, pass them on this small message: DON'T TREAD ON ME. Thanks and good night.




Davis has a 4% lead. Tears...coming...tax dollars are...being sucked out...of my pocket...as we...speak...




The valley voted 51% against secession. LA County voted 70%. Like, that's so totally tripindicular. Totally.




Sharon Davis is on TV now claiming her husband as a "moderate". Rob Reiner endorsed him shortly after. How can the man who brought us the genius of "This Is Spinal Tap" be so stupid?




"She is one of the most self-serving, hate-filled, race-obsessed politicians in America. The Democratic Party doesn't just embrace her. It kneels at her feet."

Here's some more notes on my representative in Congress, Ms. Maxine Waters.

Why does anyone vote for this piece of crap?




Ah-Nold is on with Tom Brokaw reporting that "everyzing is going fine". Take your "hard effort und vork" on Proposition 49 and shove it up your ass, Terminator. The fact of the matter is that it's not my job pay to take care of my neighbors' kids.

Gray Davis is now in the lead. I knew he was going to win from the outset, so why am I so upset now?




The latest results in the race for governor, according to the LA Times:

Gray Davis Dem 1,075,625 45.4
Bill Simon Rep 1,077,933 45.5
Reinhold S. Gulke AmI 42,030 1.7
Peter Miguel Camejo Grn 98,673 4.2
Gary David Copeland Lib 49,269 2.1
Iris Adam Nat 28,047 1.1




54% of the stupid fuckers in California have voted for Proposition 49. Morons.




KTLA is reporting 50/50 on the race for governor.




Kieran Lyons has some great coverage, too.




According to KTLA News, this election has the lowest turnout since 1966. It appears I have a lot of people to beat and kill. Why didn't you vote, asswipes?




Ew. Dan Rather.




Ew. Peter Jennings.




Voter discontent, San Francisco style.




A few moments too late, but in the name of my friend, I'd like to declare...

Yousefzadeh for Governor!




Governor races results




Michele's coverage rocks.




Dumbass Barbara Boxer was just on TV...she essentially said Republicans want to destroy the environment, abolish your livelihood, and eat your young.

Bitch.




Republicans march toward keeping House; Democrats fight to hold Senate




Valley secession has failed...it's out of my district, but swallow me if it doesn't suck. Fuck Scientology. Hurray California! For once you didn't make a stupid decision!




Bejeeberzfrigginwhatthefuckingwierdness is this...Simon is leading by a sliver.




Channel 9 is bringing the party home from the Westin near LAX, which is a few short blocks from where I live.




Yahoo's round-up is pretty good....

Democratic Gov. Gray Davis raised more than $60 million to take on Republican businessman Bill Simon. Polls showed neither was much loved.

No furking kidding...(here's where the bad spelling and lack of judgement thanks to liquor come in).

Anybody but Gray Davis for governor.




California polls are closing in minutes. If you're a Californian, if you haven't voted, and you have no intention of voting, I hate you. And your little dog, too.




Michele is totally kicking ass, too.




Stephen's giving a state-by-state update. I'm not because I'm drunk and it's easier to link.




The national news is still covering regular stuff, and the local polls haven't closed yet. Nothing great to report from California. My meltdown partners are kicking my ass so far, but I claim time zones as an excuse. Time zones, and Jack Daniel's.




Here's a good round-up of how we're all fairing tonight.




Elizabeth Dole is probably headed for the Senate.

I'm guessing I won't get the same phone call from my father I got when Hillary won her seat, which was "Six more years of that fucking bitch" *click*




I got a message earlier tonight from some Patsy Somethingorother phoning on behalf of Governor Gray Davis to ask me to...hit the skip button. Kiss off, sister. I gave the Demi-crats a chance during the earliest of my voting years, and you guys seriously suck ass. I voted for Gray Davis last time around, and we've all been screwed by his bad leadership more times than an aged hooker.

Yesterday, Martin Sheen called me *personally* with some garbage message like "I'm not a politician, but I play one on TV", urging me to vote Demi-crat. Yeah, like I'm going to take advice on who I should elect to run our country from some poof actor. Besides, what kind of person would think "Holy shit, I've been voting Republican all these years, while Martin Sheen was voting Democrat! I've seen the light! That guy was so great in 'Apocalypse Now' that I'm going to abandon my conscience and flip a bitch with my political views!"

I've gotten reports from others that they received the same call from Mr. Sheen. With all due respect, if anyone out there decided their vote based on that phone call, you are a fucking moron.




Okay, so I'll start with election returns right after "The Simpsons". What kind of person would I be if I let vacuous things like democracy take priority over Homer and family?

Gato's on a roll, though.




Beginning synchronized meltdown

I've just returned from the polls. Still wearing my little "I voted" sticker, it's time to crack open a trusty bottle Jack Daniel's and turn on the TV...

I plan on sipping a lot of whiskey, in order to be better equipped when the news breaks that Gray Davis and Maxine Waters (yep, she's mine...) have been re-elected. It won't be a surprise (obviously), but I'll probably cry anyway. At any rate, expect the announcement on this site to read something like "Ferber DE flobddoff of garker on GRay Davessssssss urd than bitch Waters".

I know you are all just dying to know who I voted for, so I'll tell you. After much soul searching, examination of the issues, and finally, a coin toss, I decided to go for the Libertarian fellow. Gary David Copeland his name is. He counts among his favorite philosophers Gene Roddenberry, and wants a prosperous and compassionate California. I wasn't so much voting for him as against the two Big Party munches that were running. So, when the final numbers come in, and you see the tally for Copeland at 12 votes, you'll know I was among that dozen.

Stephen, Michele, and Juan are also in on the synchronized meltdown. Check out their sites for returns from states besides California, and most likely, bitter disillusionment.

Happy election day, America. If you live in a time zone where the polls are still open and haven't yet voted, step away from your computer and go do so this instant. If you don't, the next time something or someone in government pisses you off, shut your fat pie-hole, because you had your chance to have a say, and you blew it.




Count me in on the synchronized meltdown during election returns tonight! There is a 100% chance that alcohol will be involved, so if anyone gets any weird e-mail or I leave an off comment on someone’s blog, ignore me. I’m drunk.




Election Day quotes:

"Look at 'em, we're going to tax their ass off."
Walter Mondale, 1984.

"The people should elect a Democratic Senate and House of Representatives in order to keep the brakes on a jingoistic, saber-rattling, power-hungry administration headed by multimillionaires from corporate boardrooms."
Senator Robert Byrd

Everyone please do you part to get morons like these out of Washington. Thanks.




ATTENTION CALIFORNIA: NO ON PROPOSITION 49.

It’s simple, folks: WE CAN’T AFFORD IT. In my experience as a California resident, anything that’s touted as For the Children ™ usually plays out successfully, so this is pretty much a waste of my time. I did, however, want to take a moment to register my objections. Hell, if even the Chron can’t endorse it, then you know it’s a bad idea. Just because the Terminator digs it, doesn’t mean it’s good.

I’m not heading to the polls until after work, and still haven’t decided who I’m going to vote for governor. Davis is out of the question, so it’s either Simon or a write in. If anyone would like to forward themselves as a candidate, please enter your qualifications, your political affiliation, and your stance on imported cheese and gambling in the comments section below, and I will consider you in the running.

Everybody else in America, get out and vote today. If you don’t, I will hunt you down and kill you. Every last one of you. Do your duty.





Monday, November 04, 2002

Belfast impaling attack condemned

A gang which left a man nailed to a fence by his hands with his legs broken and face gouged have been branded "spineless, sick animals".

Juan Gato touched on the idea of describing perpetrators of these sorts of crimes as “animals” a while back (sorry, Gato – I’m too lazy to go through weeks of archives to dig up the exact link – if you’ve got it handy, drop it in the comments section or e-mail it to me). I agree with his basic assertion that the use of the word “animal” is incorrect. Spineless? Yes. Sick? Probably. Animals? Definitely not. Animals injure or kill for two reasons: self-defense or survival. This man was attacked for neither of these reasons. We can speculate that it could have been motivated by some weird sectarian hatred or a sort of warped “vigilante justice”, but either way, these were not creatures governed only by their instincts. They were fairly equipped with some level of moral judgement, yet this beating was willful and intentional. To call them “animals” is to deny admitting to ourselves what human beings are really capable of while suggesting that such criminals did not injure this man by actual choice, but out of gut necessity. This just isn’t true. They knew what they were doing, they knew it was wrong, and they did it anyway.

UPDATE: Gato's original post on this idea is here. Thanks for sending it on, JG.