Friday, September 20, 2002

A certain notoriously mischievous British journalist, who recently had the gross bad luck of tuning into the CBS Evening News, writes requesting that I post the following in hopes that it might “provoke more accusations of Euroweenieness in my direction”:

"Whether you agree with him or not, there's no denying that George W. Bush is an appalling public speaker. Discuss."

Have at it, kids.

Pair of brass knuckles: $14.95.
Fine imposed by federal government for assaulting a U.S. Customs officer: $9,875.22.
Catching a glimpse of the look on the face of the Customs inspector as he falls to the ground, bleeding: Priceless.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

No blogging today. I've got to go butt heads with the "people" (and I'm using the term loosely) at Customs, probably for most of the day, so don't come back again expecting anything. Go visit the folks linked to the left, the most recent addition being Life as it happens. Alternatively, you could always practice the spiritual art of self-flagellation and read The Guardian, The Independent, or The LA Times.

Now get lost already, will ya?

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

This For the Children™ Moment brought to you by Pepto-Bismol, because we know you will want to rush out and buy some the moment you finish reading.

In all of the wisdom is possesses, the BBC has declared that NI poverty 'must be tackled'

A major new study published on Tuesday showed vast differences in the quality of life of children increasingly depends on where they live in the UK.

Wow. The team of monkeys must have been working for months to come to that conclusion. Sadly, the same seems to be true everywhere. For instance, children in Beverly Hills seem to have a better quality of life than children in Watts, but that could just be because they have more toys to play with, and their neighbors don't shoot each other on a nightly basis. But I'm just guessing on this.

The charity's study, The Well-being of Children in the UK, also identifies obesity, fewer chances for free play, homelessness and traffic as growing problems in some areas.

They forgot "throwing bricks at soldiers" and "making petrol bombs in their spare time". Or does that count as "free play"?

It showed Northern Ireland had the highest infant mortality rate, but the lowest teenage pregnancy rate.

Anyone wanna gamble that the "obesity" and "homelessness" have a part in this? Or maybe the teenagers are too busy beating each other up to bother taking the time to do some good, old-fashioned screwing?

The charity described its report, carried out with the University of York, as the first ever comprehensive study of the state of children in the UK.

Trailblazers, they are.

Blair calls for wealth redistribution

Tony Blair today used a pre-conference speech to promise to "redistribute power, wealth and opportunity" to combat poverty and deliver public services.

Presumably some of this was going to be his power and his wealth, no?

He repeated his government's goal of abolishing child poverty in a generation, and lifting youngsters out of circumstances where they might turn to crime.

Screw the grown-ups, though. Back in my day (oh Christ, as I friend recently said "Middle age beckons!" Indeed it does if I'm using phrases like that. What's next? Calling the neighbor's kids "whippersnappers"?), "lifting youngsters out of circumstances where they might turn to crime" involved a fierce whuppin' from my dad. But I suppose most of the children Tony's talking about don't have dads, so...

Speaking at an east London school, it was one of the first times the prime minister has used the word "redistribute" unprompted - it was previously a taboo expression in New Labour.

At a press conference following the visit, Mr. Blair's staff unvieled the green tights and archery set that the prime minister will be wearing throughout the course of this new program, entitled "Operation Robin Hood". One spokesman told the press "It's time we've freed ourselves from the shackles of that nasty Prince John once and for all."*

*Special prize to the first person who can identify which part of the above is not true.

Monday, September 16, 2002

Listen to what the flower people are saying!

Hard times ahead for "Mad Dog":

The leading UDA men said Adair was totally at odds with current UDA feeling on the Agreement, and warned that his days in the UDA/UFF could be "numbered".

"He continues to support the [Good Friday] Agreement, despite the fact that his own C Company and the rank-and-file UDA in west Belfast oppose it," said one senior loyalist...

..."He is completely out of step with UDA rank-and-file thinking on this issue."

"We have made it perfectly clear in the past that we have no intention of minding any ceasefire and that the indiscriminate murder of taigs will continue. If Mr. Adair insists on supporting the Agreement and a move away from violence, we will have no choice but to cut him to bits and blow his family's knee caps off. Come on Johnny, you used to be a fun guy!"*

Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair: UDA/UFF leader and all-around fucker.

*I made that part up...