Give War A Chance

2003-01-14T19:36:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to tell y'all that thanks to the efforts of the kind and generous Robert Prather, I'm able to finally say aufwiedersehen to the grossly unreliable blogspot. You can find me at my new home here.

Cheers, Blogger!

2003-01-14T15:31:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 1965, Georgia.

2003-01-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

Andrea Harris:

"Mark Morford, whose writing sucks the chrome off the tailpipe of a city bus..."

Too funny.

2003-01-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

Deborah Orr asks: Is it a crime just to look at pictures of children?

No. Not unless they're doing stuff that's better left to two (or maybe three or four, depending on your own inhibitions) consenting adults. If they are doing that stuff, then I guess the "crime" factor depends on where you live. At any rate, it's really, really weird.

His defence is compelling. He says that he looked at child pornography on the internet as part of his work on his autobiography, in which he writes about the child abuse he underwent himself when he was five or six. He cites the rock opera Tommy as containing material which draws on that buried experience, and also much charitable work in which he tries to combat child abuse. His account is entirely credible.

He "buried" it in a major musical production? You mean like the way that Roger Waters "buried" the secret that his father died in WWII in The Wall? Give me a break.

2003-01-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

You said it, Mean Mr. Mustard!

2003-01-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

Statement of Democratic People's™ Republic of Korea ~~Ministry of Propoganda~~ Government on its withdrawal from NPT

The Government of the Democratic People's™ Republic of Korea issued a statement today as regards the grave situation where the national sovereignty and the supreme interests of the state are most seriously threatened by the U.S. vicious hostile policy toward the DP™RK. The full text of the statement reads:

A dangerous situation where our nation's sovereignty and our state's security are being seriously violated is prevailing on the Korean Peninsula due to the U.S. vicious hostile policy toward the DP™RK.

The United States instigated the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) to adopt another "resolution" against the DP™RK on January 6 in the wake of a similar "resolution" made on November 29, 2002.

Up with Marxism. Blah blah. Viva la revelucion. Blah blah, blah, blah blah blah evil imperialist United States. Blah blah.

Systematically violating the DP™RK-U.S. Agreed Framework, the U.S. brought up another "nuclear suspicion" and stopped the supply of heavy oil, reducing the AF to a dead document. It also answered the DP™RK's sincere proposal for the conclusion of the DP™RK-U.S. non-aggression treaty and its patient efforts for negotiations with such threats as "blockade" and "military punishment" and with such an arrogant attitude as blustering that it may talk but negotiations are impossible.

U.S. response: "Whatever" you "commie" bastard "nitwits".

2003-01-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Blogosphere, Danny O'Brien.

2003-01-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

Congresswomen in fact-finding visit

A high-profile delegation of US Congresswomen have arrived in Northern Ireland on a fact-finding mission.

Yes. Led by none other than Carolyn McCarthy of New York, a Congresswoman who once sponsored a bill that would set aside a day to recognize the IRA hunger strikers "contribution to the peace process" (well, technically, you can't deny their contribution. Without the efforts of they and their associates, it wouldn't have been needed...). Incidentally, McCarthy happens to be one of the biggest advocates of gun control in Congress. Maybe somebody in Belfast will tell her why Bobby Sands was in jail to begin with.

2003-01-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

We're here with famed Guns N' Roses guitarist and noted foreign policy expert Slash at the anti-war protest rally in Los Angeles. Slash, tell us, what do you think of the possibility of war with Iraq?

Slash: Man, it is so, like...uncool. I totally think that war is bad. It's like I was telling Gilby at the Whiskey the other night before we went off to Los Feliz to bang some Penthouse models and vomit all over the carpet. You know, people are going to die and stuff.

Also with us is actor Martin Sheen, whose advice on international relations is pertinent, since he plays the President of the United States on television. Martin, would you mind sharing your insights?

Sheen: Of course not. A lot of people have been silenced for a long time, but that is ending. We are telling the world that we are patriotic Americans but we do not support war with Iraq. We are also telling them that we think blocking commerce in downtown Los Angeles is the best way to excercize our democratic right to make pains in the asses of ourselves.

Thank you, Mr. Sheen. Other celebrities in attendance included Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger and Jackson Brown. Estimates of the number of protesters ranged from 10 to 200,000,000 - police said the event was noisy but passed off peacefully.

A similar march is scheduled to take place in San Francisco next weekend, a city that is no stranger to the convergence of stupid hippies in large numbers on public land.*

*I made most of this up. Hit the link for the real story.

2003-01-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

IRA statement clears the air.

2003-01-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

Pejman says:

"Maybe Bill Simon was a lousy candidate. But it would be next to impossible for California to find a worse Governor than Davis."

Next to impossible, baby. Can I jog your memory?

2003-01-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

Poor David Carr.

2003-01-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

Damian Penny's got his "What Would Bloggers Drive" post up...

2003-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hey, Gray Davis! Screw you!

2003-01-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

IRA warns of peace process 'threat'

The IRA leadership has said the Northern Ireland political process is "under threat".

No kidding, fuckers.

They also accused both the British Government and unionists of trying to impose "'unacceptable and unrealistic" demands on republicans.

Yeah. Please stop stockpiling weapons and killing people. The nerve!

However, in a New Year statement, the group said it remained committed to a just and lasting peace.

As long as it is on their terms.

The statement comes as Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams prepares to meet Prime Minister Tony Blair at Downing Street on Thursday afternoon to discuss the deadlocked process.

[...]

Sinn Fein has blamed the difficulties in the process on unionists.

Sinn Fein has consistently blamed unionists for everything.

That attitude was reinforced by the IRA in its statement to the republican newspaper, An Phoblacht, which said: "Pursuing an agenda dictated by those opposed to change obstructs the creation of the conditions necessary to building a lasting peace."

You mean like a paramilitary agenda?

"The IRA leadership has outlined, on a number of occasions, how the full implementation by the two governments of their commitments could provide a political context with the potential to remove the causes of conflict. That remains our view.

"The primary responsibility for restoring confidence in this process lies with the British Government. Honouring their obligations is how this can be done."

Causes of conflict = unflinching bastards armed to the hilt. The “primary responsibility” lies with everybody involved. Maybe if Sinn Fein spent more time making sure they and their friends in the IRA honored their obligations and less time pointing their fingers at everybody else, the “threat” would be less substantial.

(Link courtesy of Mr. Fealty)

2003-01-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

I don't live in NYC, but for those of you who do:

Go. Have fun. Get loaded. If anyone drops trou, I want photos.

2003-01-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

TV Commercials Link SUVs, Terror Funds

The 30-second ads were created for The Detroit Project, a nonprofit launched by syndicated columnist Arianna Huffington. They will begin airing Sunday in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, Washington and Detroit.

"This campaign is not designed to demonize SUV owners," Huffington said. "We simply want to point out that they are selfish and irresponsible and might as well write a check straight to al Qaeda."*

*I made that last part up.

2003-01-09T11:43:00.000-08:00

I would just like to state for the record, since it apparently hasn’t been made totally clear, that I HATE IAN PAISLEY. Please don’t anyone else forward me that fucking article from the Irish News in outrage.

And since it’s happened once before, let me also say that if anyone links to ianisafatstupidbastard.org in the comments section, your remarks will be deleted. I don’t like censorship, I don’t like deleting comments – even ones that tell me I’m full of shit – but I will if you defend that person. One of the greatest intellectual ventures I’ve ever faced is learning to tolerate the intolerable. It is with no amount of regret that I tell you here I’ve yet to master the challenge.

2003-01-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

Dammit, Scott, sometimes you're just too funny...

2003-01-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Brilliant.

2003-01-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

From the BBC:

Changes to gun laws are due to be unveiled by Home Secretary David Blunkett as police continue hunting for the killers of two teenage girls shot dead at a party.

A minimum five-year sentence for carrying illegal firearms is planned, Mr Blunkett will announce on Monday.

This reminds me of all of those morons who were methodically (and predictably) chanting "we need a law!" after those ghouls shot up Columbine, as if it were perfectly legal to march into your school and start plugging your classmates only the day before. Shit if it hasn't been said before, but I think it's worth repeating that if someone is willing to ignore laws against murder, they've obviously no regard for rules about gun possession. I don't mean to diminish the sadness of the murder of those young girls, but for goodness' sake, this business of scattering attribution is a fucking waste of time. Blame a song. Blame a gun. Blame a film director. Blame a video game. Blame everyone and everything except the bastard that pulled the trigger. It's stupid.

(Link shamelessly stolen from the yummy Group Captain)

2003-01-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

Claims that the world's first human clones have been produced by the weirdo Raelian sect were today backed by the UK president of the movement.

...says The Sun. In that case, it must be true.

2003-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

I swear Mark Morford is the worst writer employed by a major metropolitan newspaper in the United States. Evidence the following:

Glorious indeed is the texture of a brand-new year, bringing new perspective and new karmic spankings and a fresh sense of hope and possibility, which will of course almost immediately be trampled into idealistic dust by an overwhelming sense of imminent crushing war-thick GOP-molested dread.

And that's the best part of the article. Mr. Morford also seems to have a phobia, or at the least a great distaste, for placing periods in between sentences. I think he does it on purpose, though. It's his "niche" and gives his rants "personality".

Resolve to question your own beliefs about what you are and who you are and why you are that way, Christian Catholic lawyer dentist girlfriend marketing drone whiner sports lug smoker philatelist timid inhibited arachnophobe hair twirler accountant giggler control freak nipple fetishist.

Other observations from Mr. Morford include orders to "color outside the lines" and equating SUV's with terrorism. And yes, he really wrote "moisturizing your soul".

2003-01-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

Today's Juan Gato With Cheese! Award For Stating the Bleeding Obvious:

People who are overweight at 40 are likely to die at least three years sooner than those who are slim, meaning that in terms of life expectancy, being fat during middle age is just as bad as smoking, researchers say.

Being fat is bad for you! Up next: matadors at risk of being killed by bulls!

2003-01-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

Today the Daily Wanker asks:

... while the biggest British rap/garage act, So Solid Crew, argue that gun culture is the byproduct of escalating poverty, and they can't be blamed if they are caught up in it on their south London estates.

Does anyone detect a get-out clause along the same lines as the National Rifle Association slogan "Guns don't kill people, people kill people"?

I agree. Here I will prove that the NWA release Straight Outta Compton which, according the Wanker, was “arguably the first gangsta-rap album”, is on the same footing and carries the same message as the NRA. Let’s begin:

NWA:
Straight outta Compton crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube
From the gang called N***** With Attitudes
When I'm called off I got a sawed off
Squeeze the trigger and bodies are hauled off

NRA:
“Private citizens benefit from handguns for the same reason that the police do: handguns are easy to carry, and they are effective defensive tools. Handguns are used for protection more often than they are used to commit violent crimes, and two of every three defensive uses of firearms are carried out with handguns.”

NWA:
You too boy if ya fuck with me
The police are gonna hafta come and get me
Off yo ass that's how I'm goin out
For the punk motherfuckers that's showin out
N***** start to mumble, they wanna rumble
Mix em and cook em in a pot like gumbo

NRA:
“For more than a century, NRA has aggressively supported the strict enforcement of laws against violent criminals who misuse firearms and has worked to improve the criminal justice system. As just one example, NRA actively worked to insure that the Career Armed Criminal Act became federal law in 1984.”

NWA:
Goin off on a motherfucker like that
with a gat that's pointed at yo ass
So give it up smooth
Ain't no tellin when I'm down for a jack move
Here's a murder rap to keep yo dancin
with a crime record like Charles Manson
AK-47 is the tool
Don't make me act the motherfuckin fool

NRA:
“During the 1990s, NRA worked with state legislatures and governors to increase prison sentences, reduce probation and parole for the most violent criminals and to impose mandatory sentencing guidelines for repeat offenders.”

NWA:
Me you can go toe to toe, no maybe
I'm knockin n***** out tha box, daily
yo weekly, monthly and yearly
until them dumb motherfuckers see clearly
that I'm down with the capital C-P-T
Boy you can't fuck with me
So when I'm in your neighborhood, you better duck
Coz Ice Cube is crazy as fuck
As I leave, believe I'm stompin
but when I come back, boy, I'm comin straight outta Compton

NRA:
“Today, NRA continues to lead the call for expansion of 'Project Exile', a federal program that throws the book at felons who illegally possess firearms. Measures like these have been credited for violent crime decreasing for nine consecutive years.”

NWA:
Straight outta Compton, another crazy ass n****
More punks I smoke, yo, my rep gets bigger
I'm a bad motherfucker and you know this
But the pussy ass n***** don't show this
But I don't give a fuck, I'ma make my snaps
If not from the records, from jackin the crops
Just like burglary, the definition is 'jackin'
And when illegally armed it's called 'packin'

NRA:
“NRA believes the Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the individual to keep and bear arms and that the government should not interfere with any law-abiding citizen’s private decision to own, or not to own, a firearm. Felons, particularly those convicted of violent offenses should, as a result of their own actions, have their right to own a firearm abridged.”

NWA:
Shoot a motherfucker in a minute
I find a good piece o' pussy, I go up in it
So if you're at a show in the front row
I'm a call you a bitch or dirty-ass ho
You'll probably get mad like a bitch is supposed to
But that shows me, slut, you're composed to
a crazy muthafucker from tha street

NRA:
Unfortunately, I could not find any materials in the NRA website relating to “pussies” or “dirty-ass hos”. Apparently, the two organizations diverge on this issue.

NWA:
Attitude legit cause I'm tearin up shit
MC Ren controls the automatic
For any dumb muthafucker that starts static
Not the right hand cause I'm the hand itself
every time I pull a AK off the shelf
The security is maximum and that's a law
R-E-N spells Ren but I'm raw
See, coz I'm the motherfuckin villain
The definition is clear, you're the witness of a killin

NRA:
“In the United States, firearms are used as often as 2.5 million times each year in self defense, in the vast majority of cases without a shot being fired. Best estimates reveal that firearms are used three to five times more often for defensive purposes than for criminal acts.”

NWA:
...straight outta Compton
is a brotha that'll smother yo' mother
and make ya sister think I love her
Dangerous motherfucker raises hell
And if I ever get caught I make bail
See, I don't give a fuck, that's the problem
I see a motherfuckin cop I don't dodge him

NRA:
“Project Exile began as a federal, state, and local effort led by the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Richmond, Va., to prosecute felons in possession of guns. When law enforcement apprehends a criminal with a gun, he is 'exiled' to federal prison for a minimum of five years. In 1997, Richmond suffered the second highest per capita homicide rate in the nation. Today, the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Richmond reports that following the implementation of Project Exile, the city’s homicide rate has been cut by a third. So remarkable was Project Exile’s enormous success that it was quickly expanded to other cities and states.”

NWA:
But I'm smart, lay low, creep a while
And when I see a punk pass, I smile
To me it's kinda funny, the attitude showin a n**** drivin
but don't know where the fuck he's going, just rollin
lookin for the one they call Eazy
But here's a flash, they never seize me
Ruthless! Never seen like a shadow in the dark
except when I unload, see I'll get over the hesitation
and hear the scream of the one who got the last penetration

NRA:
“A study for the Justice Department found that 34% of felons have been scared off, shot at, wounded, or captured by an armed citizen, and 40% have not committed crimes because they feared that their potential victims were armed.”

NWA:
Give a little gust of wind and I'm jettin
But leave a memory no one'll be forgettin
So what about the bitch who got shot? Fuck her!
You think I give a damn about a bitch? I ain't a sucker!
This is the autobiography of the E, and if you ever fuck with me
You'll get taken by a stupid dope brotha who will smother
word to the motherfucker, straight outta Compton

NRA:
Um, er, hmmph...Word!

NWA. NRA. Brothas in arms.

All NRA quotes taken from their FAQ page.

“Straight Outta Compton” lyrics reprinted without permission. Come and get me, Eazy!

2003-01-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

The BC Monkey, by conspiracy of the evil Canadian government (proof: it happened on public property, no?), has broken his wrist and invites us all to sign his "virtual cast".

For this injury we will forgive the little bean counter for light posting without subjecting the hapless victim to ingestion of poison, per earlier threats.

UPDATE: Good one, Captain!

2003-01-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

Says Will Hutton:

Under a different administration and with a more balanced political discourse, 11 September could have been the moment for a national coming-together, a trigger for a re-engagement with America's fundamental problems at home and abroad, and a moment to find ways of addressing insecurity in all its dimensions. But, instead, there is George Bush and Karl Rove, his Machiavellian political adviser.

A columnist for the Wanker calling for "more balanced political discourse". I take it back. Compared to some Euro-weenies, Americans really do have no sense of irony.

2003-01-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

Mary Riddell on the recent shooting deaths in Britain of two teenage girls:

Death in the inner city has no automatic aftershock.

Speak for yourself, Madame. Maybe there's no "automatic aftershock" in the tea-and-crumpets-gosh-I'm-plagued-with-guilt-for-the-suffering-of-the-poor crowd. Some of us live there. The "aftershock" is as immeasureable as it is heartbreaking.

The fact that these victims were young, innocent, female and celebrating a festival of hope provoked a horror rarely accorded to more conventional victims.

Kindly define "conventional murder victim".

However innocent young black men may be, their exit from life is as invisible as it is brutal.

Invisible to whom? Columnists for the Sunday Wanker? Certainly not for their families, friends, neighbors, and people caught in traffic behind funeral processions once a week. Neither is it "invisible" to people living in a world where gunshots and helicopter patrols are are ritual. Later she writes:

There is a curious hypocrisy of violence. Politicians may not wipe one another out with Uzis, but they are happy to commend war and retribution to the thinking classes while expressing disbelief if the unthinking ones embark on anything more combative than a church hall table-tennis tournament.

(emphasis mine)

Typical dumb left bullshit. The poor, weak lower classes, too stupid to behave properly without the guidance of the "thinking classes" (who are now apparently too pre-occupied to teach us lessons about what is in our own best interest, as they are engaged in preparing for war). Those inner-city dummies, they watch a Guy Ritchie movie and are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to kill. They play one round of "Doom", and their fleeting moral comprehensions are lost to a morbid reality where the line between shooting a character in a video game and shooting a live human being is indiscernible. As for the implication that the difference between killing during war and cold-blooded street crime is irrelevant, Ms. Riddell might want to recall the fact that this is the same argument that Charles Manson used in the defense of himself and his "family". If the U.S. government is killing hundreds a day in Vietnam, what's it to anyone if we chop up ten or so people in Los Angeles? Suggesting that there is no distinction between soldiers engaged in battle and two girls being gunned down outside a party is not only irresponsible, it's ugly.

And when it really comes down to it, guess who's going to fight that war? Certainly not the "thinking classes".

Then there is the ambivalence about firearms. Right-wing libertarians, some dedicated pheasant-blasters, are fond of the gun. Their mantra is that of the American firearms lobby: people, not weapons, are the killers.

Yep. Until the day that weapons develop minds of their own and begin killing of their own will and not the will of a triggerman, that's going to remain my mantra. And by the way, I wouldn't describe myself as "right-wing", "libertarian" or as "fond of the gun".

2003-01-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

Pejman points to this review of “Gangs of New York” by Allen Bara, who has this to say of the details of the film:

During the real riots, mobs, largely composed of Irish immigrants, swarmed out of the Bowery and surrounding areas and attacked and lynched blacks who, they were told by pro-Confederate agents, would be taking their jobs if they were forced into uniform. Mr. Scorsese's fudging on this matter is disgraceful. Only a few blacks are depicted, a couple of them friends of the sympathetic Irish gangsters. The lynchings and the attack on a black orphanage by the mobs are passed over so quickly that it's impossible to tell who's attacking whom. The Confederate agents are conspicuously absent. Mr. Scorsese further pollutes the historical record by equating the mob--whose rage was fueled by valid grievances--with the street gangs' organized thugs.

Yes, there were a number of historical inaccuracies, which happen to be dangerous only for the fact that there are some people out there who watch films thinking that they’re getting a trustworthy history lesson. “Braveheart”, “Elizabeth”, “Michael Collins”, etc. etc. All of these films, at one point or another, made flimsy use of the truth. There’s a difference that should be noted about “Gangs”, however. It’s based on a novel. Sure, canons were not fired by the Navy on New York during the Draft Riots. Yeah, Irish immigrants didn’t exactly make best friends with blacks. And right on, Union soldiers were hardly “instruments of oppression”. In that regard, let’s also take a moment to note that records indicate no such orphan named “Oliver Twist” living in London at any point during the 1800’s, travel by “great glass elevator” is impossible, and nobody named “Edmond Dantes” from Marseille is known to have impersonated an Italian priest or taken the title of the Count of Monte Cristo. It’s fiction. People take liberties.

2003-01-02T13:26:00.000-08:00

Because it's a slow day around here....

Which David Lynch movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Thanks, Sasha)

2003-01-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

The Ulster Unionist leader, David Trimble, today put the official disbanding of the IRA on to the negotiating table as condition for the resumption of the Northern Ireland assembly.

All nice and good, except they won't disband, certainly not on the order of David Trimble. Atta way to hand the assembly over to Doctor Paisley and his bigotted minions in the DUP.

2003-01-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

It would seem that today is Let's Conjure Up Painfully Grotesque Images of Idiotarian Commentators Doing Weird Things With Their Asses Day.

Evidence here and here.

2003-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

The last time I made a new year's resolution, I resolved to never make another resolution. I broke that resolution this year by resolving to quit smoking. I broke that resolution in just over 24 hours. Ah vice, my Dark Captor.

2003-01-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

Who?

2003-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

The first Class-A moron of the year:

A Montana man who legally changed his name to "Jack Ass" in 1997 has sued media giant Viacom Inc., claiming its stunt-heavy, gross-out TV show and movie "Jackass" had defamed his character.

Wait. It gets funnier.

In a suit filed in November in Montana and posted this week on a legal Web site, Jack Ass, who said he changed his name to raise awareness about the dangers of drunk driving.

And the cherry on top:

The suit asks for damages of $10 million or more. Jack Ass is representing himself.

2003-01-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

The best predictions for the new year I've seen.

2003-01-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

Morning After Round-up:

-Ouch. Why did I drink so much?
-After this morning's inevitable toilet-side "cough", I have to ask: what in the hell did I eat last night?
-How did I end up with a copy of The Super Saver Series presents REO Speedwagon Live! in my car? So far, no one will confess ownership, so if anyone would like it, email me your name and address and I'll be happy to send it along, since until the unlikely day that someone steals all of my drink coasters, I have no use for it.
-I can vaguely remember deciding near 3 AM that I was finally going to get around to organizing my books. Apparently I lost interest about the the time that the last book was taken off of the shelves and thrown in an enormous pile on the floor. Why did I do that?
-Who wrote "I hate New Jersey" in soap on my bathroom mirror?
-Do you know how long it takes to wash soap off of a mirror?

That's about as much as I can muster with the Earth spinning around so quick and all. Happy New Year everybody. I hope y'all had fun. I think I did.

2002-12-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

Given that, much like a number of other blogs, GWAC will be celebrating its one year anniversary in a few weeks, I’d like to take a moment to offer special Happy New Year wishes to the following folks, many of whom helped me first get this thing off the ground:

Juan Gato – The first guy ever to link me. Self-deprecation suits you. Please don’t ever stop.

Peter Briffa – Dude, next time close your mouth. May 2003 be mice-free.

Pejman – may 2003 see you grow an inch or four. Thanks for being a pal during the tough times.

“O’McSomething” – my funnest of political adversaries, get busy already before I reveal the URL address of your new yet pathetically neglected blog.

BC Monkey – it’s about time you got back to work. Slack off again, and I’ll force you to drink American beer. The worst kind.

Tyler – here’s to a 2003 of great surf.

Patrick Martin – My favorite Fenian bastard, and I mean that in the most endearing way.

Scott and Brooke – a most disgustingly cute couple. Here’s to the brightest future!

The Axis of Weevil – special greetings to all current and ex Bama dwellers!

Damian Penny – the smartest and sexiest Newfie ever and one of GWAC’s first supporters.

David Janes – slightly less sexier ex-Newfie but only by virtue of existence wife and kid.

Dr. Frank – Another one of the first big timers to support me when I was getting started. Thanks! Everybody go buy a Mr. T Experience album right now or I will have you killed. If you don’t like it, it’s because you’re stupid.

Mike - Belmont. Playboys. L.A. 2003. That’s an order.

Sasha and Andrew – all my best wishes. I hope you like London, Sasha.

Jim Treacher – I want to have your babies.

The Portadown News – making mercilessly “taking the piss” out of people, as yousuns would say, seem adorably funny.

Kathy Kinsley – the coolest bellicose woman ever.

Stephen Green, a.k.a. Vodkapundit – Congrats on the nups, the new house, and all the success. But remember, good man, ‘twas I who was pelting you with toast in the Arcata Theater back when you were nobody.

There are hundreds more blogs and bloggers that I love and read often. Best wishes to every last one of you, even if I’m too lazy to name you all here.

And thanks to regular comments contributors and correspondents Neil D., Mark from Monroe, Kevin Morrison, NeilVanEerde of Sunny Florida, Carrie (may I continue to make you homesick!) and dozens of others that I can’t think of at the moment but are no less important. You guys are what makes this fun enough to keep it up.

That’s it for me until 2003. I’m going to work my buns off to leave the office early and get to more important things, like drinking, debauchery, and adhering to my personal motto: “it’s only illegal if a cop saw you do it”. Happy New Year, everybody. Have fun. Go party. Be safe.

I’ll expect you all back next year in one piece.

2002-12-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

And to further demonstrate their commitment to the peace process....

A report in a Sunday newspaper claimed that, despite two decommissioning moves by the Provos, the IRA is reckoned to still have enough weapons to equip the equivalent of three infantry battalions of around 1,500 men.

The report also quoted security sources as saying the IRA is actively involved in training and spying in addition to punishment beatings and protection rackets.

The claims follow the recent disclosure of a confidential Government document which said the IRA was still recruiting, training and gathering intelligence information for "defensive purposes".

Meanwhile, Sinn Fein's Mitchel McLaughlin says there's no justification for violence.

(Both links found via Newshound)

2002-12-30T15:42:00.000-08:00

"Punk was being the only one with short hair in your high school, being beaten up by Boston fans calling you 'Devo.'" - Dr. Frank

Of course, by the time my day came around, punk meant you were one of the only white kids in your high school, being taunted by people who argued that Paula Abdul was the next Madonna calling you guerra. All of this in spite of the fact that my high school was the birthplace of punk legends like Black Flag, the Circle Jerks, and Redd Kross. If anybody had told me back then that it would be a marketable commodity...that this guy called Carson Daly would be interviewing punk bands on some MTV show called "TRL" (the best we got was "120 Minutes", on Sunday nights from midnight until 2 am) while thirteen year old girls screeched in the background, flapping signs around that said "BILLIE JOE! I LOVE YOU!" I would have laughed my ass off and told them they were more full of shit than a New York City sewer.

Then again, you could argue that none of the stuff you see today could really, truly be called "punk".

Anyway, it's no surprise that the dude responsbile for that quote above has written the best post-Strummer death...er, post I've read so far.

2002-12-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

One hit a pregnant teacher, another exposed himself and another stabbed a classmate with a pencil.

Gang-bangers at the toughest school in the Bronx or South Central L.A.? Nope! Kindergarteners in Philadelphia! Snot-faced teeter-totter mongers! How do we deal with these weenie brats? Suspend them! But not everybody thinks that's the right thing to do. Guess who doesn't? Child psychologists!

Walter Gilliam, a child psychologist at Yale University's Child Study Center, said he doubts young children make the connection between an action in school and the ensuing suspension, which can last 10 days.

I probably wouldn't have "made the connection" either at that age. At least not right away. I imagine the "connection" would have been made about the time that my father's belt hit my backside.

"I think it's a bad move, because it absolves the school from feeling that it's necessary to deal with that problem within the school building. You push it out to the community, you push it out to the family home, and that's where it started to begin with," Gilliam said.

So what if it's "pushed to the community" or the family? At least it's not pushed to the school. Schools are supposed to teach children. Parents are supposed to civilize them. Part of the reason American kids are getting dumber is because schools are entertaining this kind of idea. A small amount of discipline is to be expected from teachers and administrators, but kids that wave their hoo-hoos in people's faces deserved to get their butts tossed out on the sidewalk. Stop listening to these hack-job shrink-dinks who have to invent disorders for their paychecks while writing books called Why is Johnny Such a Horrendous Little Bastard: A Parent's Guide to Nurturing Self-Esteem.

Kids are ignorant and uncivilized, but they're not entirely stupid. They know how much they can get away with. If it is made clear that bad behavior will not be tolerated, they'll be less likely to act on it. Maybe then teachers can get back to the business of teaching kids how to spell. Maybe if we got rid of half of these moronic psychologists who peddle self-esteem (i.e. self-absorbtion) as healthy development, we'd make fewer excuses about why our public school system is failing our kids. And maybe if Johnny was taught more about esteem for others, he wouldn't be as inclined to stab them with his writing utensils.

2002-12-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

A certain fellow wondered a while back why "right-wing American bloggers" have so eagerly turned poor Matthew Engel into such a celebrated whipping boy. Well, Harry, since you asked, as a special pre-New Year's treat, I've rounded up some of Mr. Engel's gems from the last year:

Sure, there is a hardcore who share the widespread European view that the president is a dangerous chump incapable of simultaneously chewing a pretzel and watching TV.
January 23, 2002

Bush is dumb!

Of course, Birmingham has an elite who travel all over Europe. But only one-sixth of all Americans possess a passport, and in Alabama the proportion is much lower. One suspects the European geography of many people here goes no further than the playground rhyme:
"I see London, I see France
I see ------- in her underpants."
February 26, 2002

What's "France"?

There are virtually no pro-Palestinian voices in the US media and there are no votes worth counting in being pro-Palestinian.
April 23, 2002

That's a lie.

The most famous of the 27 amendments to the US constitution is probably the fifth, which gives people the right to avoid self-incrimination. Americans plead it regularly, thus effectively incriminating themselves.
May 14, 2002

Not it's not, no we don't (since most of us will never be arrested or charged with a crime), and no it doesn't.

All this fruit is huge: no small child can finish one at a sitting. (Oh, OK, a cherry, maybe.) The apples all shimmer like celebs at a premiere, because they are given a shiny coating with carnauba wax (also used in shoe polish) or shellac (a resin secreted by an Asian beetle). The strawberries are cheap, even though they have travelled across the continent, because the pickers are paid diddly-squat. The tomatoes? Most Americans - maybe most Britons too - no longer know how a tomato is meant to taste.
June 4, 2002

America: land of oversized bananas. Where the hell is this guy shopping?

It is mildly gratifying for a small nation, otherwise pathetic enough to regard football matches as the major benchmark of national self-esteem, to be a world leader at anything at all, especially in an American-invented sport like spin-doctoring (the term is believed to date back to the Reagan-Mondale debates of 1984).
June 18, 2002

America didn't invent spin-doctoring. It's as old as politics itself.

The president does set an example by shoving off for ages, which also has the advantage of cutting down the chances of him doing something entirely absurd and dangerous…It is all part of the unfolding psycho-tragicomedy that is unfolding round this presidency. It may also be part of his commitment to global warming.
August 13, 2002

Bush is dumb and he wants to destroy the planet!

As we saw when the president's jet zigzagged across the country in the hours after the attacks, members of the ruling elite are concerned about the safety of all Americans, but somewhat more concerned about their own.
August 20, 2002

I know. What a stupid idea to have national leaders safe and in place at a time of crisis. What a bunch of selfish bastards.

Not many foreign news stories break through the Americans' carapace into the mainstream mass media. By that, I mean the papers and TV stations seen by most people, not just CNN and the New York Times. And by foreign stories, I mean stories solely about foreigners that do not involve the United States' interaction (if that is the word) with the rest of the planet.
August 27, 2002

That's cuz wes ignant, Mr. Engel. Oh yeah, and here's the world section from my little local. And the L.A. Times. And the Atlanta Constitution. And the Seattle Times. You get the picture.

UPDATE: Don't click on the link to my little local. I've recently been told it won't take you to the site I intended, but rather the U.S. map that intros the AP wire. Who says Americans have no sense of irony?

In this same column, Engel also asks “Whatever happened to childhood?” Answer: childhood devoid of worry, hard work, and even the grave likelihood of early death is a 20th century invention. If anything, childhood has only gotten easier.

Vaguely under cover, the writer Barbara Ehrenreich went out into low-wage America a couple of years back, and did a series of menial jobs - waitressing, scrubbing, selling - for wages above starvation levels for anyone who didn't care what they ate or whether they had a home or not. As a waitress in Key West, Florida, she was paid $2.15 an hour
September 10, 2002

And she made how much in tips?

It is not an unfamiliar view in a country of biblical fundamentalists; it is slightly surprising to find the judicial mindset that allowed the US to have first slavery, and then segregation, still at the very heart of government.
October 1, 2002

The Bush regime still thinks slavery is groovy. Uh-huh.

There might be an instance in which an armed pilot might successfully kill a hijacker and save the lives of his passengers. I suspect there would be many more cases in which cock-up theory will apply, and a pilot will panic and execute someone who asks over-abruptly for a second bag of pretzels on a transcontinental flight with no other victuals.
October 22, 2002

Why on Earth would anyone storm a cockpit to ask for pretzels?

Fifteen months ago, the US was brutally attacked by terrorists. With international support, it went after the perpetrators, initially with brilliant success that confounded anyone who believed Afghanistan would break even the US army. With the job half done, somewhere around the caves of Tora Bora, it got - what? - bored or distracted or simply confused. Should you ever be charged by a rhino, which has overwhelming force but a tiny brain, your life may be spared in similar circumstances: halfway through, it forgets what it was angry about.
December 17,2002

The US army is as dumb as a fat, pissed rhino.

None of this should be surprising coming from a drooping, self-loathing liberal writing for The Guardian. Remember that this all is the work of a man who once wrote “newspapers distort the facts, that TV news distorts the facts utterly, and that 24-hour-non-stop-up-to-the-minute-news distorts the facts utterly, totally and completely. We don't mean to do it, guv. We don't lie. But the parameters under which we operate just ensure that we mislead” In that context, every last word of it is truth.

2002-12-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

Hey! Now we can all play "On the Blanket"!

Clarification: I originally came across the link above while looking for a reliable source as reference to someone who sent me an “I don’t get it” e-mail after the Francis Hughes post below. If you’re not sure what “on the blanket” means, might I suggest you read this first. It’s much funnier if you do.

2002-12-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

News from our much more civilized and significantly less bloodthirsty cousins across the Atlantic:

Firearms amnesty to tackle surge in gun crime

New figures to be published by the Home Office in January will show a record number of crimes involving firearms. Guns are being used to carry out revenge shootings between rival gangsters and drug dealers, for robberies, muggings, and even as fashion accessories among young men out to impress.

You'll note that guns aren't being used for little things like "self-defense" or "protection of person or property". But at least Britain has proved once and for all that gun control works.

2002-12-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

‘Accusers should come forward’ - McGuinness

Martin McGuiness has said that if the British agent identified to the Bloody Sunday Inquiry as Infliction really exists then he or she should come forward and make the allegations in public.

Says Martin: “Obviously I would be happier if I could confront and see my accuser. But I'd be simply overjoyed if I could have him killed."*

*He never said that out loud.

2002-12-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

A recent survey by the BBC inviting people to vote for their favorite songs of the world has ended, with “Those Poof-pie Brits Are So Bloody Mean To Us” by the Gulf Drones emerging as victor. This has prompted the editor of a forerunning and reliable news publication to raise charges of election fixing in the way of multiple votes from individuals.

“That’s complete horseshit”, a spokesperson for the BBC commented. “Even if there were cases of receiving 30 telephone calls from one household, that still puts the results at one vote per family member. Besides, the dead were only allowed to vote once.”

Live via satellite feed from Hell, Francis Hughes remarked “this is a great day for Ireland. Maybe now I can finally eat something. Tiocfaidh Ar La!” When asked how he’s found his accommodations over the last two decades, Mr. Hughes replied “other than the terribly hot weather, things aren’t that much different here than in Bellaghy or Belfast, except that nobody seems to mind when we smear our crap all over the place.”

(Link courtesy of Slugger, with apologies to Terry McMenamin.)

2002-12-24T11:04:00.000-08:00

Blogging will resume after the holiday. Family get together to exchange presents: tonight at 2000 hrs. Number of presents I’ve bought: 0.

I’ve got work to do.

Merry Christmas for those of you who celebrate it. Happy Wednesday for those of you who don’t.

2002-12-23T07:45:00.000-08:00

Sing, Michael, sing-on the route of the 19 Bus
Hear them sayin'
How you get a rude and a reckless?
Don't you be so crude and a feckless
You been drinking brew for breakfast
Rudie can't fail

So we reply
I know that my life make you nervous
But I tell you that I can't live in service
Like the doctor who was born for a purpose***
Rudie can't fail

I WENT TO THE MARKET TO REALISE MY SOUL
'CAUSE WHAT I NEED I JUST DON'T HAVE
FIRST THEY CURSE, THEN THEY PRESS ME TILL I HURT
WE SAY RUDIE CAN'T FAIL

We hear them sayin'
Now first you must cure your temper
Then you find a job in the paper
You need someone for a saviour
Oh, Rudie can't fail

We reply
Now we get a rude and a reckless
We been seen lookin' cool an' a speckless
We been drinking brew for breakfast
So Rudie can't fail

Okay!
So where you wanna go today?
Hey boss man!
You're looking pretty smart
In your chicken skin suit

You think you're pretty hot
In your pork pie hat
But...Rudie can't fail Look out, look out...
Sky juice!...10 cents a bottle!

2002-12-21T20:06:00.000-08:00

I just got back from seeing "Gangs of New York" with none other than the blogosphere's very own resident hobbit, Deshman Yousmurfnada. I loved it. LOVED IT. It's not as glorious as "Goodfellas", but not the slightest bit disappointing. As usual, Mr. Scorsese's obsession with detail and perfectionism paid off. The setting was magnificent, and that's saying a lot considering that 90% of the movie takes place in a New York City slum circa the 1860's. The costumes were subperb, the colors were amazing, and the fight scenes were really well choreographed. The gang fight scene that it opens with is nothing less than pure butchery, so if you're squemish like me, consider yourself warned (this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who's seen Scorsese's other films. There are parts of "Casino" where I literally have to leave the room). Some other notes:

-Leonardo DiCaprio really can act. And he looks better chubbier.
-Daniel Day-Lewis can act really well.
-There's some great humor in the film. Don't blink or you'll miss it.
-It could have been shorter (total running time: 2 hours, 44 minutes). Some parts really dragged out and didn't seem to add much to the story.
-The ending would have been much more poignant if the last shot shown was the NYC skyline without the World Trade Center.
-Martin Scorsese better finally get his Oscar. He deserves it this time around.

For all of you who've been bitching about me boring you by harping over this film, consider yourselves relieved. This is the last you'll hear of it (unless some really cool stuff comes out on the DVD, then I might have to eat this post). If you haven't seen it yet, I can't recommend it enough. I'm going to go see it again tomorrow.

UPDATE: It's past midnight, but I've got insomnia, so I'm going to harp for just a little longer.

Robert Prather's review is here. It's much better than mine. Plus, he was polite enough to issue a spoiler alert, whereas I just bounded out with my "Rosebud was a sled" bit.

Pejman's is here.

A very nice lady named Caitie e-mailed me a link to this website, which has historical and archeological information about the Five Points area of New York, where the film was set. I especially loved this quote from Charles Dickens, following his visit in 1842:

"This is the place: these narrow ways diverging to the right and left, and reeking every where with dirt and filth. Such lives as are led here, bear the same fruit here as elsewhere. The coarse and bloated faces at the doors have counterparts at home and all the wide world over. Debauchery has made the very houses prematurely old. See how the rotten beams are tumbling down, and how the patched and broken windows seem to scowl dimly, like eyes that have been hurt in drunken frays. Many of these pigs live here. Do they ever wonder why their masters walk upright in lieu of going on all-fours? and why they talk instead of grunting?"

Ladies and gentleman, that quote is "Gangs" in a nutshell.

2002-12-20T12:12:00.000-08:00

Blix Says US, UK Not Giving Him Enough Intelligence

Clearly.

2002-12-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's about time.

2002-12-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

The government and Church shielded a Catholic priest involved in the 1972 Claudy bombing which killed nine, say Northern Ireland police.

Well, they've protected priests who molest children, why not ones who blow them up?

2002-12-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

California’s budget deficit is at 34.8 billion dollars.

That’s billion. With a “b”.

35 billion freakin’ dollars.

I smell a cigarette tax coming....

2002-12-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

Reality TV Gets Twisted

Joe Millionaire, a new Fox TV show, features 20 single women who fly to France to vie for the hand of a handsome American they are told is worth $50 million. But "Evan," who will tug at their heartstrings, actually only pulls in $19,000 annually working as a — gasp — construction worker.

I don't like reality TV, but I think that's really funny.

2002-12-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

And speaking of sweet pieces of ass and stupid celebrities, both Mike and Damian go to town on Hollywood fudgepackers fawning over Castro.

2002-12-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

George Clooney is just one of the sweetest pieces of ass I’ve ever laid my eyes on. He’s also a stupid moron. On George Bush, he says: “The problem is we elected a manager, and we need a leader. Let's face it: Bush is just dim."

As opposed to Mr. Clooney, who is world-famous for his cunning intellect.

GQ describes the star as "a liberal's liberal who believes Mario Cuomo should be our president, and he keeps a photo of Jimmy Carter's 'ER' set visit on display in his bathroom." Clooney also likens Newt Gingrich to a "dinosaur," laughing, "The man has no arms."

Newt may have no arms, George, but you have no brain. Stick to being pretty. It’s what you do best.

And never mind the fact that it’s totally weird to keep a picture of an ex-president in your bathroom...

(link found via Tim Blair.)

2002-12-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

'Gangs' a Long Labor of Love for Scorsese

The ambitious, big-budget film about rival street thugs in 19th century Manhattan finally hits U.S. theaters on Friday, more than 30 years after Scorsese first envisioned it. And the end result, he says, is different than if he had made the film when he was a young director in the 1970s.

Thirty years, dozens of scripts, hours of film on the editing floor, turning Rome into New York, and some one hundred million dollars later...don't let us down, Mr. Scorsese.

(and believe me, he can. Has anyone else out there ever been able to make it all the way through "The Age of Innocence"?)

2002-12-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

Activists in Egypt Say Iraq War Spells Death, Chaos

Anti-war activists from Egypt and around the world Wednesday forecast bloodshed, anger and years of chaos in the Middle East if the United States wages war against Iraq.

Unlike other wars, which brought harmony, laughter, and tranquility.

2002-12-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

Tyler has penned a hilarious letter that begins "Dear Alcohol...". Go read it.

2002-12-17T12:50:00.000-08:00

As some of you may have heard, we've been having a good deal of rain here lately. Not being a native of Southern California, I always find it amusing to see the locals' reaction when faced with that thing called "weather". Watching people scatter and scramble, you'd think it was bullets falling from the sky and not water (question: why do people duck when running from the rain?). Driving gets particularly annoying. People either plow around like there's no change in road conditions (i.e. like total maniacs), or they drive really slow. Really, really slow. Like hunting-for-a-parking-spot slow. This is just as dangerous as driving too fast.

Then you have the local news, with their intrepid correspondent braving the elements to get the "man on the street" reaction.

"Sir, how are you coping with this dastardly storm?"

"Well, last night, I actually had to close a couple of windows. After dinner, my wife even put on a sweater. I mean, a sweater, for goodness' sake!"

"Are you expecting your family to survive?"

"We're not sure. Little Johnny had to wear a wet suit when he went surfing yesterday. It was devastating."

"There you have it, folks. Southern California bowing to the crushing blow of nature's cruelty. Back to you in the studio, Ted."

2002-12-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

From world-renowned international relations analyst Sean Penn comes the following:

"Absolutely I think war can be avoided, but obviously it's going to take enormous commitment on the part of the Iraqi government as well as the United States."

More insight from this cutting-edge expert as it becomes available.

2002-12-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

"That Osama is such a bitch. He is so stealing my thunder."
-Yasser Arafat

2002-12-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

Found over at Jim Treacher's place, here's a list of "The 50 Most Loathesome People in America", which gets my vote not only for putting Ann Coulter at the top of the list, but for describing her as "Goebbels with tits".

2002-12-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

In a recent survey of California dairy cows, it was determined that some 41% of the animals are, in fact, not happy. This poll could prove to be a powerful blow to California’s milk and cheese industry, as weird people who actually give a shit about the feelings of cows prepare a boycott of dairy products.

However, the poll also concluded that while almost half of California’s bovine population was not happy, some 22% described themselves as “reasonably satisfied”, and less than one percent claimed to be “totally fucking despondent”. A brief psychological quiz also determined that 64% of dairy cows have “serious issues with self-esteem” and listed as their primary concerns “the declining quality of grass, earthquakes, and being turned into leather pants”.

2002-12-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

I found this one over at Freedom and Whisky:

Police have told a Gloucester man he risks breaking the law if he forces his way into a vehicle which has been parked in his drive, blocking his own car in a garage.

The man can't even use his own car. The bureaucrats are throwing codes at him about the definition of "public obstruction" and "data-protection legislation". The fellow, called Mr. Windo, says "But the police say the car is legal because it is taxed. And because it is on private property it is not causing a public obstruction, so there is nothing they can do."

Well, Mr. Windo, out here in the Wild West we've got this great tradition of something called "vigilante justice". I say put on a sturdy pair of gloves, bash in a window, release the parking brake, and push the thing into the street, thus qualifying it as a "public obstruction". If you're in a particularly foul mood, you might want to pop the tires for good measure.

2002-12-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Roger Friedman, over at Fox News, asks if Courtney Love was a bad influence on Winona Ryder. Now I know you're first instinct is to ask "who gives a crap?". However, upon further reading, I'll bet that more of you will be asking "where can I get a doctor like that?". Hell, I nearly cut my right pinkie off once (30 stitches covering less than one inch of my finger), and couldn't squeeze a decent prescription out of my doctor. But Courtney gets Vicodin for a bee sting? A BEE STING?!?!

That ridiculous story is followed by a few quips from Martin Scorsese about the filming of "Gangs". Nine days to go...

2002-12-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Strom's 185th birthday wasn't the first time Trent Lott made his comments about Senator Thurmond's presidental bid as segregationist:

In 1980, Lott, then a House member from Mississippi, told a home state political gathering that if the country had elected segregationist candidate Strom Thurmond to the presidency "30 years ago, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today."

Seriously - this guy really does need to explain himself.

2002-12-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

A British vicar reduced young children to tears and stunned their parents when he said Santa Claus and his reindeer would burn to a crisp while delivering presents at supersonic speed.

Hey Vicar, maybe Santa gets the presents delivered on time by miracle! I mean, if Jesus can rise from the dead...

2002-12-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

Hell's bells, but I...agree with...T-t-tom...Das...Das...

(give me a minute...I can get this out)

Tom Daschle is...is...right.

Christ. That really hurt.

U.S. Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle demanded "a fuller explanation and apology" from Senate Republican Leader Trent Lott on Wednesday for saying the nation would have been better off if segregationist candidate Strom Thurmond had won the presidency in 1948.

Maybe he hasn't offered one so far because the doctor's haven't been able to pull his foot out of his mouth yet.

2002-12-11T11:22:00.000-08:00

The American administration is a bloodthirsty wild animal

Gerald Splinter is simply on fire today. No, not literally - sorry if I got any of you excited. He's found that he's emerged from cancer treatment (without "drowning"...?) to "the nightmare of American hysteria, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity and belligerence; the most powerful nation the world has ever known effectively waging war against the rest of the world". That's right, Paraguay: watch your back. We're coming for you. And New Zealand: we've put up with your stupid accents and kiwi fruit long enough. Your surf is ours.

Take a pill, "chum". Really, horseshit like this column are so bad, so plagued with half-truths and hysteria, they don't even deserve a good fisking.

The 3,000 deaths in Afghanistan are never referred to. The hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children dead through American and British sanctions which have deprived them of essential medicines are never referred to.

See what I mean? Why even bother to argue?

(Tim Blair and Peter Briffa took this one on briefly as well)

2002-12-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

Welcome back, Ted.

2002-12-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

So the EU wants to prohibit tobacco companies (who, according to the EU, are second only to the United States as the most evil entities in the galaxy) from marketing cigarettes as "light" or "mild". This is because you and I, the consumer, are too stupid to understand on our own that "light" doesn't mean "safe", it just means "less". Where would we be without the Great Protectors of the Helpless and Meek?

The court ruling was the endgame in a two-year battle by cigarette firms to force the EU to water down the new tobacco law, which also puts limits on tar and nicotine and demands that cigarette packets carry big stark warnings about health risks.

They want them BIGGER. Okay, let's try this:

IF YOU SMOKE THIS SHIT AND GET CANCER OR SOME OTHER GOD-AWFUL DISEASE, DON'T BLAME US. THESE CIGARETTES CONTAIN NO ESSENTIAL VITAMINS, MINERALS, OR NUTRITIONAL VALUE. IN FACT, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH IF YOU SMOKE THEM.

This will be for the benefit of people who were formerly under the mistaken impression that tobacco was a vegetable and that smoking was good for them. I'm sure it will make all the difference in the world.

p.s. - Down with Brussels!

2002-12-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

Matthew Engel today:

Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were signing books in a Washington suburb on Saturday. The crowd was huge, with latecomers regretfully being turned away; the lucky ones queued in a long line, sometimes with armfuls of books.

while also noting that:

But poor old Al. He really can't get it right. One of these works is at No 1,911 in the US bestsellers list on Amazon; the other is at 4,159.

And let's not forget the gratuitous Florida recount reference:

No one can yet have any idea what the 2004 election will actually be about - it might focus on how a deluded president wrecked his own war on terrorism by frittering away a year at least on an irrelevant campaign against Iraq. What is certain is that it will be nothing to do with righting the wrongs of Florida 2000.

Politics, as Alan Watkins often says, is a rough old trade, and Gore is not the first practitioner to discover that. Sympathy is no reason for the Democrats to re-nominate him. Or to buy his books.

And clearly they are not buying his books.

The sense that it is time to move on has been enhanced by the emergence this week of the first serious alternative: senator John Kerry of Massachusetts has taken the first steps towards announcing his candidacy. Up to now, the choice before the Democratic party was either Gore or some unspecified A N Other. Now there is someone else in the shop window.

Wrong! We're still in "exploratory committee" stages. Plenty of candidates will pop up within the next six months. Too many, in fact.

Kerry is an interesting option. He is 59 tomorrow: he has presence and gravitas and sounds as if he knows what he is talking about, a rarer skill among American politicians than it ought to be.

True. We prefer that they actually do know what they're talking about.

He also has a narrative: he was in Vietnam, as a naval officer, was wounded three times and decorated twice. He then returned home to become spokesman for Vietnam Veterans against the War. Military heroism is no bar to having your patriotism impugned by Republicans: ask Max Cleland, the Georgia senator who lost three limbs out of four in that war, and was beaten last month in a nasty little contest by a typical Bush/Cheney-style chickenhawk.

Because he was a typical Gore/Kerry lib-lab. I can't thank you enough for your sacrifice, Senator Cleland, but just because you only have one arm, that doesn't oblige the people of Georgia to vote for you, nor does it make you a good leader.

And Kerry is very mockable. He has the most extraordinarily elongated face I have seen since Jimmy Hill went off prime time. The word "craggy" will be used a lot, and it really does look like one of the lesser Munros: full of gullies and crevasses and sheer rockfaces. The hair is amazing too, and somewhat overtended: much of his press this week has been a debate about whether he pays £50 for a haircut, or £100. Once they have pummelled him over that...

Wait. Hold the phone. Why on earth would a man spend one hundred and fifty dollars to get his hair cut? Not that this is a mark of good or bad leadership skills, but it most certainly is a mark of vanity and over-indulgence.

...the Republicans will start on the fact that he is a Massachusetts liberal, and that he self- consciously plays on his initials (he's John F Kerry - think about it).

And I'm Emily F. Jones - as in William F. Buckley and George F. Will. Think about it!

We will also be hearing about his wife, who is helpfully stinking rich (Heinz family money) but unhelpfully gabby. The voters themselves may notice that he appears aloof and arrogant. His agenda? Don't expect to hear much about that.

Like we never heard about the Bush family being wealthy. Or the drinking habits of his daughters. This sort of backwards and unfair thinking works both ways.

But then it is extraordinary what you do and don't hear in the US at present.

And what Engel does and doesn't hear. Perhaps he's not looking that hard.

Last Thursday, as predicted in this column a fortnight ago, senator Strom Thurmond, who ran for president as a breakaway candidate in 1948, attained his 100th birthday. Among the tributes was one from a fellow senator, Trent Lott of Mississippi, who recalled the fact that his own state had voted for Thurmond as president. "We're proud of it," Lott said. "And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either."

Trent Lott has been whipped, defended, berated, applauded, and called everything under the sun for those remarks. How on Earth did Engel miss all of that?

A couple of facts may need explaining here. Trent Lott is no ordinary senator: he is the leader of the Senate Republicans, who have just regained the majority. That makes him something like the fifth or sixth most powerful man in the country.

Politically, sort of. But not really. I think what he means is that he's fifth or sixth in line for the Presidency, and even the President is arguably not the most powerful man in the country.

And Strom Thurmond was no ordinary presidential candidate. His campaign had one essential issue: the continuation of segregation.

Yes. In 1948. People change their minds. Strom did. Funny how Mr. Engel didn't feel the need to point that out.

p.s. - Hi Harry!

2002-12-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

There's a new lefty Brit blogger in town. He calls himself Harry, likes to chide "right-wing American bloggers", and wears ladies underwear when he's sure nobody'll catch a peek. Okay, so I made that last one up. But despite the fact that he's a feckless commie bastard, he's got some great content, and unlike the more extreme of his political affiliates, actually appears to possess a brain. Go say hi.

2002-12-06T15:56:00.000-08:00

Hell, even I don't like beer that much.

2002-12-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

I’m a little bit depressed today. On Sunday, I will be celebrating my 29th birthday for the second year in a row (don’t any of you dare use that other “t” word). There’s something about birthdays that end in “0” – a birthday that I will not be celebrating on Sunday, mind you – that make people look back at their lives, accomplishments, etc. I guess I’m supposed to come up with some profound reflections about what it means to turn 29 again, and think about the lessons I’ve learned and where I’ve been. I’m not going to do that. It’s boring, and I’ve got more depth than my own belly button. All I really want out of life is a few good friends, and endless supply of great beer, and a shitload of cash. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. So far, I’ve only managed to get my hands on the first one, but once my gambling habit finally pays off, I imagine my life will be complete.

I know I should just be happy that I’ve made it this far. Many people aren’t that lucky. But I like to complain and feel sorry for myself, so I’m going to bitch and groan about how I’m going to have to start spending money on things like wrinkle cream and calcium supplements. Breast cancer and osteoporosis are things that are now very real. My “biological clock” hasn’t started ticking yet, but I imagine that it will within the next few years. I think I’m feeling pain in my lower back. Just this morning, I told a “back in my day” story. What's next? Calling children "whippersnappers" and complaining about how the corns on my feet hurt? Yuck.

But I’ve hardly grown up. I still like cartoons. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is still my all-time favorite book. I still get in water balloon fights with the neighborhood kids, and really do think the happiest place on Earth is Disneyland. I remain, as ever, steadfast in my refusal to act my age (which is still 29).

So that’s about all the “reflecting” I can stand. Maybe I’ll have something more interesting to say when I turn 29 for the twelfth time. Check back with me in ten years.

2002-12-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Just two weeks from today...

(I warned you I was going to get annoying about this)

Here's the script for a draft of Gangs of New York from 1993. I haven't made it the whole way through yet, but from what I've heard and read, a lot of changes have been made since then, so the movie may not resemble this script at all.

2002-12-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

''I don't know if people really understand the issues. I mean, why would you vote for a party that would not give you clean air or clean water and a safe environment? We have a Democratic Party that's of, by and for the people, versus a Republican Party that seems to be of, by and for corporations.''
-Barbara Streisand

That's right, kids! If you don't vote for the same party as Barbara it's because you're stupid and you "don't understand the issues"! Hey Babs, why would YOU want to vote for a party that wants to tax the snot out of hard working people so that they can hand free cash and services to lazy lay-abouts? But I guess all those Republicans nationwide that ran campaigns promising dirty water, filthy air, and un-safe living conditions must have struck a cord somewhere.

And yes, yes, I'm well aware that not everyone who utilizes public services and welfare is a lazy lay-about taking advantage of the system, but a lot of those who do are. If you doubt this, I'd be proud to take you on a tour of my neighborhood. Just don't wear red or blue and try and get here before dark and carry a gun if you've got the right permits and don't dress too flashy or park your car too close to the boulevard. Oh yeah, and it will help if you strap your wallet to your body and remove all jewelry.

By the way, my district is hard-core Democrat. Maxine Waters' job is as solid as if she were named "Kennedy".

2002-12-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

John Hawkins has rounded up some of the best quotes from South Park. Bless him.

2002-12-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

Global anger at US 'growing'

The trend is most dramatic in Muslim societies, and some of the strongest anti-Americanism is in Egypt and Pakistan, according to the study by the US-based Pew Research Center.

Now there's the difference - our pundits and media are running around telling everyone how wrong it is to not differentiate between Muslims and Islamo-fascists, and rightly so. Their media are telling them that we're Satan and that we want to have their children for snacks.

Most people in most countries liked American television, films and music, and thought the spread of American science and technology was beneficial, the survey found.

So, they like the frosting, the cake, and the Pepto-Bismol, just not the people who make them. That's fair.

2002-12-05T07:29:00.000-08:00

Only fifteen days left until...

Here's a story from USA Today about a guy who gives tours around the New York areas where "The Gangs of New York" is set.

2002-12-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

Mr. Engel's latest is about football - American and British - so there's not much there (I don't really like either). As usual, though, he's missed the mark in his observations.

Cast your mind back to the 80s. In those days the difference between the UK and the US was that in a British city a football ground was the only place one ever felt endangered, and in an American one it was the only place one felt safe.

Okay, I spent about a third of the eighties living in Europe, so maybe I missed this one. Or maybe I was just too young to realize that my life was constantly in danger but for when I attended sporting events. In fact, I seem to remember reading about people who went to football games just to escape the lurking fear that they would be killed, mugged or maimed at any second....

...in American society, which gets more po-faced and repressed by the week, it seems to me that college football violence is a symptom of something rather than a disease.

"Po-faced and repressed"? Someone help me out here - just what in the world does "po-faced" mean, anyway? And repressed? By the week? Like we mark our calendars every Saturday - "must be more repressed tomorrow. Buy chastity belt and lower skirt hems". Next week, I'm going to cut the heels off of my shoes and start tying my hair in a bun. Every day.

2002-12-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

I decided to do some digging on a group called the Earth Liberation Front after reading this article yesterday. I mostly did so because I like to laugh at stupid people, but I also wanted to get a look at how these people represent themselves and justify the sorts of tactics they employ. I found their official website. It nearly made me vomit. They've got a section on "the politics and practicalities of arson", which promises "down-to-earth advice and comprehensive how-to's about devices, fuel requirements, timers, security and more". There's also the text of a comminque claiming responsibility for three separate acts of destruction.

I also checked out their "FAQ" section. Surprisingly, there weren't any questions like "why are you guys such enormous fuckers?" or "how many times were you dropped on your head as a child?", but it was still pretty telling. And pretty damn funny. Here's a sample of a few of the questions, along with the "answers" ("answers" meaning that I am totally making up the response):

What is the Earth Liberation Front (ELF)?
A rag-tag band of cells comprised of nitwits and spoiled middle and upper class brats plagued by their own guilt.

What approach has law enforcement taken to stop the work of ELF?
The capitalist pig oppressors have confiscated materials, jailed operatives, and monitored the activities of members - all because we like animals and nature and will blow things up to acheive our ends.

How and when did the group begin?
The early nineties, when Dirt First! kicked us out for being too extreme even for them.

Where is ELF based geographically?
If we told you that, we'd have to kill you now, wouldn't we?

How is the organization structured?
It isn't. We don't want to make it any easier for the pigs to find us.

How many members are there in ELF?
Are you kidding? How many people do you think there are in this country that are actually that crazy?

What if someone is injured by an ELF action? Has that ever happend?
Screw them. They're capitalist pigs. They don't deserve to live.

Is the ELF primarily an environmental organization?
No. We are primarily a terrorist organization. But we do like hugging trees.

What is the ideology of ELF?
To destroy the homes and businesses of every person who opposes our viewpoint.

Do ELF actions alienate other groups and individuals within the environmental movement?
Good God, I certainly hope so.

Why don't ELF members come forward and publicly take responsibility for their actions?
Because The Man would throw us in prison, thus inhibiting our direct-action abilities. That, and we're total cowards.

One man's "economic sabotage" is another man's reason for throwing a pathetic asswipe in jail. I am so going to go out and buy like, ten things that I don't need just to piss these people off.

2002-12-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Why on Earth would anyone want to blow up a furniture store?

2002-12-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

In a paragraph that reads like it could have begun with the sentence "It was a dark and stormy night", Johann Hari talks about the mother of all package tours.

The wind is blowing so fiercely that you realise that something must be wrong. You notice that the streets have emptied as you walk; everyone seems to have retreated into their homes. The wind is really hurting you now; you realise it is a sandstorm. Just for effect, thunder claps in the distance. You decide to head back to your hotel.

"Something must be wrong"? Yeah, buddy. You're in Baghdad, for goodness' sake.

A 1980 Oldsmobile pulls up and a bearded man in his 50s barks, "Meester. Get into the car." His car radio fills the street with the sound of referendum results from across the country. One hundred per cent, one hundred ... You remember that Baghdad is the city that finished off even Alexander the Great. The sand is burning your eyes. You have nowhere else to go. You cross your fingers, bid farewell to life and get into the car.

It is at moments like this that you question the wisdom of taking a package holiday in Iraq.

Times like that? Most of us can "question the wisdom" from the comfort of our own homes. But just when you start to think this guy is the biggest idiot in the world, he bumps into even bigger ones:

"If I was going to Iraq to shoot a bunch of people, everyone back home would say I was a hero. But because I'm coming to hang out with the people and see what they're like, they think I'm a suspect character."
-Sean from New York

Not a suspect character, Sean. Just a moron. He continues:

"You can't say the US is any better than Iraq. We have no right to lecture anyone, ever."

Yes I can. The US is better than Iraq. Besides, that's a bit like saying "you can't say that Beverly Hills is any better than Watts"? If you're looking to score some crack or maybe get shot, Beverly Hills is infinitely worse than Watts. Otherwise, there isn't a very difficult choice to be made.

"I think Saddam is a great man and the USA is a great big global bully. My theory is that he should be given Kuwait. It's perfectly logical if you look at the map."
Hannah, a "frightfully well-spoken Englishwoman"

My theory is that England should be divided between Scotland and Wales. It's perfectly logical if you look at the map. Hannah also thinks that Saddam is handsome. Clearly there is something terribly wrong with this woman.

On his day of tourism in Baghdad, Hari writes:

At times like this, I began to experience what I quickly identified as my John Pilger moments. If I didn't know better, I would swear that Saddam Hussein had deliberately scattered the most dignified, stoical Iraqis and - especially - the cutest doe-eyed children in our paths, and trained them to say lines riddled with pathos about sanctions. As I looked at these kids on the streets, it was tempting to work up a satisfying rage about sanctions and piously denounce all this as the work of my own government. Instead I just took a valium and lay down for a few hours.

Which is much more productive, as far as I'm concerned.

(Thanks to unashamed Yes fan Mr. Briffa for the link)

2002-12-02T12:55:00.000-08:00

Malachi O'Doherty on who stood to gain from the rumors about the IRA hanging up their guns.

2002-12-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

From the Washington Post, Ramzy Baroud on "root causes" of "terrorism":

But of course I condemn terrorism, if terrorism means the murder of innocent people for the sake of gaining political influence, or for inflicting punishment or simply to advance an argument. I condemn all kinds of terrorism -- that of a nation-state, no matter how mighty, as much as that of a solitary sniper gunning down innocent men and women. But in practice, it is only the powerless who receive retribution for it.

"Terrorism" is seen only in one context: the effect, but never the cause, as though suicide bombings, the Moscow theater hostage crisis, the Kurdish rebels' frequent attacks on the Turkish army and more were all born in a vacuum.

In an interview with a National Public Radio station two months after the deadly attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, I reiterated to a thoughtful host: "We must try to see through the pain of the innocent thousands killed on that dreadful day. We cannot be so blinded by our anger to the point that we fail to see how violence begets violence. If we are keenly interested in bringing terrorism to a halt, we must have the courage to examine its roots."

Again, we didn't deserve it, but really we did.

I sank into my chair in disbelief when I heard how many people were poisoned by Russia's use of gas in retaking the theater in Moscow. But I admit it: I also lamented the death of the 50 rebels. Condemn me if you wish, but I couldn't hold back my tears when I saw the images of more than 10 Chechen women, clearly young, crouching on their knees, some gazing heavenward, all dead.

And condemn me if you wish, but I'm going to go lose my lunch.

2002-11-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

A person identified only as a "senior Republican official" is denying that there is any truth to the stories linked below.

David Burnside, UUP MP, however, is abounding with optimism, stating "I do not believe a word of this and I hope people treat it with the contempt it deserves. It is the latest in a long line of con jobs and no self-respecting unionist will trust it."

The question is, whose con job is it? Martin McGuinness is saying the reports are ''totally unfounded and misleading'' and that the recent reports "basically amount to totally unfounded speculation and I think they are quite mischievous".

The report from the BBC is here.

Not a word of this in the New York Times, but this is probably because they needed to save space for the significantly more important issue of George Harrison's estate.

From the Washington Post, via "Reuters".

And the Boston Globe, via the Associated Press.

2002-11-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

From the Times:

THE IRA is edging towards an historic declaration that its war with Britain is over, sources close to the Northern Ireland peace process have disclosed.

It is believed to be nearing a decision to announce that it has given up its military operations and will decommission all weapons and end punishment beatings and surveillance activities.

So far, it looks like the only source anyone is citing is "newspapers". Apparently, neither Sinn Fein nor the UUP could be reached for comment yet.

Martin McGuinness, Sinn Fein’s chief negotiator, Education Minister in the suspended Ulster Executive and a former IRA veteran, is spearheading secret moves to persuade IRA leaders to remove for ever the threat of violence hanging over Ulster. Both the Irish and British Governments are believed to have set an unofficial deadline of the end of February for a substantial move from the IRA.

Here's the story from "Reuters" in the UK.

Here's the scoop from The Daily Wanker.

2002-11-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

It looks like it's only a rumor so far, but...

The Irish Republican Army, which opposes British rule in Northern Ireland, was moving toward a historic declaration that its war with Britain was over, British newspapers said Saturday.

The papers, citing no specific sources, said the IRA -- which has waged a three-decade war against Britain -- was nearing a decision to announce that it has given up its military operations and will decommission all weapons.

(emphasis added by me, mostly to keep myself from getting too excited.)

2002-11-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

Dumbass Alert

After 52 days without food, a skin-and-bones [Susan] Moloney ended her state Capitol hunger strike Wednesday against Gov. Gray Davis. The Democratic governor, she said, has failed to protect old-growth trees in California as he promised.

Christ. And I thought Bobby Sands was an idiot.

While she didn't change the governor's views, she persuaded the state Senate to hold a hearing on ancient trees next year. And that was enough to convince her that she can start eating, she explained.

Read: "Senator! Senator! There's some dumb broad threatening to starve herself to death on the steps of the Capitol if California politicians don't hug more old growth trees!"

"Okay. Tell the skinny moron we'll hold a conference next year to discuss the gravity of the situation and throw her some tofu."

"I'm willing to give my life for the forests, but I'm not willing to give it for a governor who refuses to keep an important campaign promise," she said Wednesday.

Stop! No more! She's willing to die for the trees! Did someone say "Darwin Award"?

2002-11-28T14:15:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm supposed to write some "this is what I'm thankful for" post today. Yeah, I'm thankful for family, friends, health, blah, blah, blah. Why be cheesy and boring? I like to take time to be thankful for the little things - I'm thankful that I saved my receipt for "Attack of the Clones" because it was total crap and I want my money back. I'm thankful that my neighbor who likes to blare mofo-bitch-ho-gangsta rap at all hours is moving soon. I'm thankful that there's Jack Daniels' in the cupboard, a steak in the freezer, and the best goddamm album ever made in the CD player. But most of all, I'm thankful that I wasn't born in some place like Kenya or Cuba.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you live somewhere where it isn't celebrated, you really ought to try it once. It's a lot of fun.

2002-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

In a biography of Martin McGuinness by Liam Clarke & Kathryn Johnston, the publisher's note claims he has been described as "the second most powerful man in Britain after Rupert Murdoch". Okay, let me repeat that in case you weren't reading carefully:

the second most powerful man in Britain after Rupert Murdoch

Even staunch admirers of McGuinness have to admit that's a stretch...

2002-11-25T22:24:00.000-08:00

In the event that I will continue to be pulled back in, feast your eyes on this, and have a good belly laugh as a consequence.

You have been duly commanded.

2002-11-25T22:20:00.000-08:00

Just out of curiosity, does the fact that the lovely Ms. Jones is back and posting regularly mean that my services are no longer needed?

Or is this one of those "I try to get out, but they keep pulling me back in" kind of deals?

2002-11-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

A fellow named Rich writes in, saying he was unable to get through the whole of this:

Sinn Fein national chairman Mitchel McLaughlin urged Bertie Ahern`s government to use its position in the United Nations and European Union to press for dialogue after the shooting dead in Jenin of a British UN aid worker and three Palestinians and the recent wounding of an Irish human rights worker by Israeli soldiers.

Describing the killings and the wounding of Irish human rights activist Caoimhe Butterly as an outrage, the Foyle MLA said the time had long since past for the United Nations to intervene.

"Last week`s wounding of Caoimhe Butterly brought home to Irish people the daily experience of ordinary Palestinians over the last number of years," Mr McLaughlin said.

"The UN has a responsibility to take the Israeli Government to task and to end the silence of the international community in relation to this and many other attacks."

The official response of the Israeli government:

Dear Milton McLaughter,

Up yours.

Sincerely,
The Knesset

2002-11-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

Ooo goody...look! It's NOW's 2002 Primetime Feminist Report! So listen up, all you male sexist pigs out there...shame on you for wanting to look at hot chicks in panties! Football and wrestling will be the downfall of civilization, and there simply aren't enough programs on television focusing on the struggles of impoverished and overweight single-mother Muslim lesbians living in urban decay.

What is television's role in our society? Is it simply entertainment, fantasy, an escape? Or should its potential to influence, persuade and inform be taken more seriously?

It should be all of those things, really. For an organization that claims to celebrate and encourage "diversity", they sure are critical of the fact that this is exactly what television does.

We've said it in previous reports, and we'll say it again—the situation comedy is a sorry place for women on TV these days. They must be beautiful, thin and younger than their male counterparts, and willing to use their sexuality for laughs and titillation.

So, my question is, what's wrong with being beautiful, thin and young? Women use their sexuality every day to get what they want. If NOW thinks television should reflect real life, why is it a mistake for sit-coms to make a joke of this?

In workplace comedies, women characters often shrug off sexually harassing behavior that would be unwelcome in the real world.

But TV is not the real world. It's TV. It's fake. NOW is underestimating, perhaps even patronizing, the very group of people they claim to represent. Intelligent women do not model their lives after characters on television. They do not learn their lessons or make important decisions by asking themselves "what would Ally McBeal do in a situation like this?" I watch comedies to be entertained, not informed. If those comedies happen to mock a certain type of woman - be the type fat, irritating, loud, rude, sexy or whatever - they are, in fact, depicting a certain reality. Is anyone from NOW going to deny that women like this exist?

In family comedies, women frequently play the sensible, hard-working wife/mommy to a lazy, immature husband.

Are they suggesting that "sensible" and "hard-working" are bad? Where's the outrage of making buffoons of men?

Sadly missing is a strong, high-profile comedic character in the tradition of I Love Lucy, Murphy Brown, Mary Tyler Moore or Roseanne. Do the characters of Rachel (from Friends), Grace (from Will & Grace) or Reba qualify to fill that role?

I don't watch a lot of prime time programming, so I admit that I have no idea who "Reba" is, but from what I've seen of the characters Rachel and Grace, they are independent, strong-willed, and professional women. I thought that having the opportunity to be such a woman was exactly what feminism was supposed to be about? Or is the issue here that they also happen to be thin and beautiful? If so, jealousy is not one of the most likable character traits that women possess, so why cave into it so easily?

Will the networks give the women on new shows such as Life with Bonnie or Less Than Perfect the right material to take on the mantle?

I haven't heard of either of those shows, but if they fail, it's not because of some anti-feminist agenda of the network. It's because people aren't watching for a combination of bad scripts, bad acting or lack of an interesting premise. What NOW seems to want here are more programs about mediocrity. The characters can't be too fat or too thin. They shouldn't be attractive, because women viewers might get an inferiority complex, but they can't be too ugly, either, otherwise you're making fun of ugly women and that's not nice. They shouldn't be "sensible", but they certainly can't be stupid. Hard-working moms are out, for re-enforcing the notion that a woman's place is in the home, and professional women are okay, but they should have some type of traditionally masculine job, like tough detective or firefighter.

Where are the powerful, funny women of color?

Interesting that they should ask this. In the real world, a powerful, funny woman of color is National Security Advisor, and some of their lefty allies have berated her for being too "white".

Field analysts commented on the low level of maturity in primetime TV and its overall lack of interest in social issues.

"Field analysts"? You mean, people who watch a lot of TV? I spend all day taking an interest in "social issues". When I watch prime time television, it's usually to get away from them. Concerning yourself with the plight of the working class, sexual harassment, gender inequality (whether real, or in the case of NOW, almost entirely imagined), and world hunger during your every waking moment isn't really all that healthy, you know. All this little "report" is is a thinly vieled excersize in elitism. It complains about the sort of programming that is popular, as if the "little people", who don't have the wits to know what's good for them, were stupidly lured into watching low-quality television shows, when they should be watching "Masterpiece Theatre" and documentaries on PBS.

Of course some television programs make stereotypes of women. But they also stereotype children, fathers, the elderly - you name it. And what of the several networks touted as "women's television"? They constantly run movies and shows that depict men as violent predators, rapists, and misogynistic meatheads unable to control their own pricks. Does that sound like every man you know? If so, it's certainly no fault of your television that you keep bad company.

2002-11-22T23:33:00.000-08:00

Er . . . um . . . whoops!

San Antonio police, who continued to apologize Thursday for storming the wrong Southwest Side duplex, said they'll meet next week to review the foul-up that sent an innocent man to a hospital with minor injuries.

Officials said SWAT team members apparently were confused in the darkness Wednesday night by the cluster of look-alike dwellings in the 5900 block of Fairshire Road, even though officers spent two days watching a duplex there in an effort to serve a warrant on a man they suspected of dealing drugs.

"Everything was done by procedure," Deputy Police Chief Rudy Gonzales said of the SWAT unit that won state honors the past two years. "It was just an honest mistake made by SWAT officers at the location."

We have a show already called America's Dumbest Criminals. Anyone think of doing a show called America's Most Imbecilic Cops?

*Sniff, sniff* Do I smell a lawsuit?

2002-11-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

You know, I hate to admit this because it makes me sound like a cold-hearted bastard, but I wasn't one of those who grieved in spectacular and overwrought when Kurt Cobain died. I remember hearing about it while driving in my car, and listening to a Chicago rock station, and I was appalled at the way the disc jockeys and the callers were bemoaning his loss. From what was being said on the radio, one would have thought that it was the disciples of Socrates lamenting his encounter with hemlock.

For my part, my reaction then was my reaction now: I didn't revel in the fact that Cobain was dead, and I am generally deeply sorry to hear of the death of any human being, but I also thought him to be one seriously f*cked up individual.

And now, my suspicions are confirmed by this article which gives some of the more . . . er . . . interesting details of Kurt Cobain's diary. What is also interesting is the effort the media went through to try to excise from its reporting some of those interesting details.

Stomach the following passage, if you can:

The quality press faced a bigger dilemma as they lassoed the Cobain cash cow. Kurt's status as a cult figure guarantees a certain uncritical readership, and who wants to mess with that? Thus Newsweek, which put Cobain on its Oct. 28 cover, perhaps wisely neglected to draw readers' attention to diary entries like this: "I am a male age 23, and I'm lactating." While other men have sexual fantasies about voluptuous women, "when I close my eyes I see lizards & flipper babies, the ones who were deformed because their mothers took bad birth control pills. I'm seriously afraid to touch myself."

As icky as that is, Newsweek surely found something far more disturbing, in a list it published alongside other anodyne extracts (on subjects like music and the evils of heroin addiction.) "I like punk rock. I like girls with weird eyes. I like passion. I like to feel guilty for being a white American male . . ." What the cover-boy also included in that list, but some censor snipped: "I like to make incisions into the belly of infants then ---- the incisions until the child dies."

Now, why in the hell were we not told this by Newsweek? Is it because it didn't find the passages of enough prurient interest? Surely not--what could be more sick than Cobain wanting to perform horrific acts like those described in the last paragraph? Is it because Newsweek thought the passages should not be given any publicity? Well then, why give the entire work publicity in the first place? All they did was cause people to want to go to bookstores and purchase the diary, and find the disgusting content for themselves (I saw the diary myself when I went to Barnes & Noble last week. It was displayed prominently at the front of the store). In addition, by not including the more controversial (to put it mildly) content, Newsweek seems to have been determined to whitewash Cobain's demented fantasies out of existence.

And that last part is really interesting. Is it any wonder whatsoever that so many celebrities believe themselves to be above public approbation and condemnation? They have so many enablers working for them. Some are in their personal retinue, and they get paid to foster and foment the various bizarre and incomprehensible dream worlds that celebrities live in. But others are in the media, and they act as unpaid hacks--seeking to excuse, justify, or just plain cover up the worst kind of behavior and thought imaginable.

Wasn't the thing that finally killed Kurt Cobain the fact that so many people were unaware of his serious mental and emotional problems in the first place? How many others are in that state in the celebrity world, and are having their behavior enabled by others? And even more importantly, how many non-celebrities and former/present Nirvana fans will be allowed, by this whitewashing, to believe Cobain to be someone to be idolized and looked up to--thus perhaps increasing the chances that they might embrace his demons instead of seeking to avoid them? I know I sound like an old dandy saying all of this, but Kurt Cobain was not someone to be looked up to. He was not someone to be idolized. To the extent that he had a musical gift (and I, for one, found him to be one of the the most un-gifted musicians of any genre), the celebrity that gift led him to attaining helped fuel his downward spiral.

Yes, I regret the fact that Kurt Cobain died. And I certainly regret the manner in which he died.

Even more than that, however, I regret the manner in which he lived, and the life that was denied him. If Kurt Cobain's writings are now to be popularized, it would do well for all of us to focus on the sickness that surrounded his psyche for much, if not all of his life. Ignoring it won't make it go away.

For the record: this is how I feel on this issue. -Emily

2002-11-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

This guy needs a blog in the worst way.

Although, please, let's not let him post here.