Saturday, January 11, 2003

IRA statement clears the air.

Pejman says:

"Maybe Bill Simon was a lousy candidate. But it would be next to impossible for California to find a worse Governor than Davis."

Next to impossible, baby. Can I jog your memory?

Poor David Carr.

Friday, January 10, 2003

Damian Penny's got his "What Would Bloggers Drive" post up...

Hey, Gray Davis! Screw you!

IRA warns of peace process 'threat'

The IRA leadership has said the Northern Ireland political process is "under threat".

No kidding, fuckers.

They also accused both the British Government and unionists of trying to impose "'unacceptable and unrealistic" demands on republicans.

Yeah. Please stop stockpiling weapons and killing people. The nerve!

However, in a New Year statement, the group said it remained committed to a just and lasting peace.

As long as it is on their terms.

The statement comes as Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams prepares to meet Prime Minister Tony Blair at Downing Street on Thursday afternoon to discuss the deadlocked process.


Sinn Fein has blamed the difficulties in the process on unionists.

Sinn Fein has consistently blamed unionists for everything.

That attitude was reinforced by the IRA in its statement to the republican newspaper, An Phoblacht, which said: "Pursuing an agenda dictated by those opposed to change obstructs the creation of the conditions necessary to building a lasting peace."

You mean like a paramilitary agenda?

"The IRA leadership has outlined, on a number of occasions, how the full implementation by the two governments of their commitments could provide a political context with the potential to remove the causes of conflict. That remains our view.

"The primary responsibility for restoring confidence in this process lies with the British Government. Honouring their obligations is how this can be done."

Causes of conflict = unflinching bastards armed to the hilt. The “primary responsibility” lies with everybody involved. Maybe if Sinn Fein spent more time making sure they and their friends in the IRA honored their obligations and less time pointing their fingers at everybody else, the “threat” would be less substantial.

(Link courtesy of Mr. Fealty)

Thursday, January 09, 2003

I don't live in NYC, but for those of you who do:

Big Apple Blogger Bash 2003!

Go. Have fun. Get loaded. If anyone drops trou, I want photos.

TV Commercials Link SUVs, Terror Funds

The 30-second ads were created for The Detroit Project, a nonprofit launched by syndicated columnist Arianna Huffington. They will begin airing Sunday in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, Washington and Detroit.

"This campaign is not designed to demonize SUV owners," Huffington said. "We simply want to point out that they are selfish and irresponsible and might as well write a check straight to al Qaeda."*

*I made that last part up.

I would just like to state for the record, since it apparently hasn’t been made totally clear, that I HATE IAN PAISLEY. Please don’t anyone else forward me that fucking article from the Irish News in outrage.

And since it’s happened once before, let me also say that if anyone links to in the comments section, your remarks will be deleted. I don’t like censorship, I don’t like deleting comments – even ones that tell me I’m full of shit – but I will if you defend that person. One of the greatest intellectual ventures I’ve ever faced is learning to tolerate the intolerable. It is with no amount of regret that I tell you here I’ve yet to master the challenge.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Dammit, Scott, sometimes you're just too funny...


Tuesday, January 07, 2003

From the BBC:

Changes to gun laws are due to be unveiled by Home Secretary David Blunkett as police continue hunting for the killers of two teenage girls shot dead at a party.

A minimum five-year sentence for carrying illegal firearms is planned, Mr Blunkett will announce on Monday.

This reminds me of all of those morons who were methodically (and predictably) chanting "we need a law!" after those ghouls shot up Columbine, as if it were perfectly legal to march into your school and start plugging your classmates only the day before. Shit if it hasn't been said before, but I think it's worth repeating that if someone is willing to ignore laws against murder, they've obviously no regard for rules about gun possession. I don't mean to diminish the sadness of the murder of those young girls, but for goodness' sake, this business of scattering attribution is a fucking waste of time. Blame a song. Blame a gun. Blame a film director. Blame a video game. Blame everyone and everything except the bastard that pulled the trigger. It's stupid.

(Link shamelessly stolen from the yummy Group Captain)

Claims that the world's first human clones have been produced by the weirdo Raelian sect were today backed by the UK president of the movement.

...says The Sun. In that case, it must be true.

I swear Mark Morford is the worst writer employed by a major metropolitan newspaper in the United States. Evidence the following:

Glorious indeed is the texture of a brand-new year, bringing new perspective and new karmic spankings and a fresh sense of hope and possibility, which will of course almost immediately be trampled into idealistic dust by an overwhelming sense of imminent crushing war-thick GOP-molested dread.

And that's the best part of the article. Mr. Morford also seems to have a phobia, or at the least a great distaste, for placing periods in between sentences. I think he does it on purpose, though. It's his "niche" and gives his rants "personality".

Resolve to question your own beliefs about what you are and who you are and why you are that way, Christian Catholic lawyer dentist girlfriend marketing drone whiner sports lug smoker philatelist timid inhibited arachnophobe hair twirler accountant giggler control freak nipple fetishist.

Other observations from Mr. Morford include orders to "color outside the lines" and equating SUV's with terrorism. And yes, he really wrote "moisturizing your soul".

Today's Juan Gato With Cheese! Award For Stating the Bleeding Obvious:

People who are overweight at 40 are likely to die at least three years sooner than those who are slim, meaning that in terms of life expectancy, being fat during middle age is just as bad as smoking, researchers say.

Being fat is bad for you! Up next: matadors at risk of being killed by bulls!

Monday, January 06, 2003

Today the Daily Wanker asks:

... while the biggest British rap/garage act, So Solid Crew, argue that gun culture is the byproduct of escalating poverty, and they can't be blamed if they are caught up in it on their south London estates.

Does anyone detect a get-out clause along the same lines as the National Rifle Association slogan "Guns don't kill people, people kill people"?

I agree. Here I will prove that the NWA release Straight Outta Compton which, according the Wanker, was “arguably the first gangsta-rap album”, is on the same footing and carries the same message as the NRA. Let’s begin:

Straight outta Compton crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube
From the gang called N***** With Attitudes
When I'm called off I got a sawed off
Squeeze the trigger and bodies are hauled off

“Private citizens benefit from handguns for the same reason that the police do: handguns are easy to carry, and they are effective defensive tools. Handguns are used for protection more often than they are used to commit violent crimes, and two of every three defensive uses of firearms are carried out with handguns.”

You too boy if ya fuck with me
The police are gonna hafta come and get me
Off yo ass that's how I'm goin out
For the punk motherfuckers that's showin out
N***** start to mumble, they wanna rumble
Mix em and cook em in a pot like gumbo

“For more than a century, NRA has aggressively supported the strict enforcement of laws against violent criminals who misuse firearms and has worked to improve the criminal justice system. As just one example, NRA actively worked to insure that the Career Armed Criminal Act became federal law in 1984.”

Goin off on a motherfucker like that
with a gat that's pointed at yo ass
So give it up smooth
Ain't no tellin when I'm down for a jack move
Here's a murder rap to keep yo dancin
with a crime record like Charles Manson
AK-47 is the tool
Don't make me act the motherfuckin fool

“During the 1990s, NRA worked with state legislatures and governors to increase prison sentences, reduce probation and parole for the most violent criminals and to impose mandatory sentencing guidelines for repeat offenders.”

Me you can go toe to toe, no maybe
I'm knockin n***** out tha box, daily
yo weekly, monthly and yearly
until them dumb motherfuckers see clearly
that I'm down with the capital C-P-T
Boy you can't fuck with me
So when I'm in your neighborhood, you better duck
Coz Ice Cube is crazy as fuck
As I leave, believe I'm stompin
but when I come back, boy, I'm comin straight outta Compton

“Today, NRA continues to lead the call for expansion of 'Project Exile', a federal program that throws the book at felons who illegally possess firearms. Measures like these have been credited for violent crime decreasing for nine consecutive years.”

Straight outta Compton, another crazy ass n****
More punks I smoke, yo, my rep gets bigger
I'm a bad motherfucker and you know this
But the pussy ass n***** don't show this
But I don't give a fuck, I'ma make my snaps
If not from the records, from jackin the crops
Just like burglary, the definition is 'jackin'
And when illegally armed it's called 'packin'

“NRA believes the Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the individual to keep and bear arms and that the government should not interfere with any law-abiding citizen’s private decision to own, or not to own, a firearm. Felons, particularly those convicted of violent offenses should, as a result of their own actions, have their right to own a firearm abridged.”

Shoot a motherfucker in a minute
I find a good piece o' pussy, I go up in it
So if you're at a show in the front row
I'm a call you a bitch or dirty-ass ho
You'll probably get mad like a bitch is supposed to
But that shows me, slut, you're composed to
a crazy muthafucker from tha street

Unfortunately, I could not find any materials in the NRA website relating to “pussies” or “dirty-ass hos”. Apparently, the two organizations diverge on this issue.

Attitude legit cause I'm tearin up shit
MC Ren controls the automatic
For any dumb muthafucker that starts static
Not the right hand cause I'm the hand itself
every time I pull a AK off the shelf
The security is maximum and that's a law
R-E-N spells Ren but I'm raw
See, coz I'm the motherfuckin villain
The definition is clear, you're the witness of a killin

“In the United States, firearms are used as often as 2.5 million times each year in self defense, in the vast majority of cases without a shot being fired. Best estimates reveal that firearms are used three to five times more often for defensive purposes than for criminal acts.”

...straight outta Compton
is a brotha that'll smother yo' mother
and make ya sister think I love her
Dangerous motherfucker raises hell
And if I ever get caught I make bail
See, I don't give a fuck, that's the problem
I see a motherfuckin cop I don't dodge him

“Project Exile began as a federal, state, and local effort led by the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Richmond, Va., to prosecute felons in possession of guns. When law enforcement apprehends a criminal with a gun, he is 'exiled' to federal prison for a minimum of five years. In 1997, Richmond suffered the second highest per capita homicide rate in the nation. Today, the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Richmond reports that following the implementation of Project Exile, the city’s homicide rate has been cut by a third. So remarkable was Project Exile’s enormous success that it was quickly expanded to other cities and states.”

But I'm smart, lay low, creep a while
And when I see a punk pass, I smile
To me it's kinda funny, the attitude showin a n**** drivin
but don't know where the fuck he's going, just rollin
lookin for the one they call Eazy
But here's a flash, they never seize me
Ruthless! Never seen like a shadow in the dark
except when I unload, see I'll get over the hesitation
and hear the scream of the one who got the last penetration

“A study for the Justice Department found that 34% of felons have been scared off, shot at, wounded, or captured by an armed citizen, and 40% have not committed crimes because they feared that their potential victims were armed.”

Give a little gust of wind and I'm jettin
But leave a memory no one'll be forgettin
So what about the bitch who got shot? Fuck her!
You think I give a damn about a bitch? I ain't a sucker!
This is the autobiography of the E, and if you ever fuck with me
You'll get taken by a stupid dope brotha who will smother
word to the motherfucker, straight outta Compton

Um, er, hmmph...Word!

NWA. NRA. Brothas in arms.

All NRA quotes taken from their FAQ page.

“Straight Outta Compton” lyrics reprinted without permission. Come and get me, Eazy!

Sunday, January 05, 2003

The BC Monkey, by conspiracy of the evil Canadian government (proof: it happened on public property, no?), has broken his wrist and invites us all to sign his "virtual cast".

For this injury we will forgive the little bean counter for light posting without subjecting the hapless victim to ingestion of poison, per earlier threats.

UPDATE: Good one, Captain!

Says Will Hutton:

Under a different administration and with a more balanced political discourse, 11 September could have been the moment for a national coming-together, a trigger for a re-engagement with America's fundamental problems at home and abroad, and a moment to find ways of addressing insecurity in all its dimensions. But, instead, there is George Bush and Karl Rove, his Machiavellian political adviser.

A columnist for the Wanker calling for "more balanced political discourse". I take it back. Compared to some Euro-weenies, Americans really do have no sense of irony.

Mary Riddell on the recent shooting deaths in Britain of two teenage girls:

Death in the inner city has no automatic aftershock.

Speak for yourself, Madame. Maybe there's no "automatic aftershock" in the tea-and-crumpets-gosh-I'm-plagued-with-guilt-for-the-suffering-of-the-poor crowd. Some of us live there. The "aftershock" is as immeasureable as it is heartbreaking.

The fact that these victims were young, innocent, female and celebrating a festival of hope provoked a horror rarely accorded to more conventional victims.

Kindly define "conventional murder victim".

However innocent young black men may be, their exit from life is as invisible as it is brutal.

Invisible to whom? Columnists for the Sunday Wanker? Certainly not for their families, friends, neighbors, and people caught in traffic behind funeral processions once a week. Neither is it "invisible" to people living in a world where gunshots and helicopter patrols are are ritual. Later she writes:

There is a curious hypocrisy of violence. Politicians may not wipe one another out with Uzis, but they are happy to commend war and retribution to the thinking classes while expressing disbelief if the unthinking ones embark on anything more combative than a church hall table-tennis tournament.

(emphasis mine)

Typical dumb left bullshit. The poor, weak lower classes, too stupid to behave properly without the guidance of the "thinking classes" (who are now apparently too pre-occupied to teach us lessons about what is in our own best interest, as they are engaged in preparing for war). Those inner-city dummies, they watch a Guy Ritchie movie and are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to kill. They play one round of "Doom", and their fleeting moral comprehensions are lost to a morbid reality where the line between shooting a character in a video game and shooting a live human being is indiscernible. As for the implication that the difference between killing during war and cold-blooded street crime is irrelevant, Ms. Riddell might want to recall the fact that this is the same argument that Charles Manson used in the defense of himself and his "family". If the U.S. government is killing hundreds a day in Vietnam, what's it to anyone if we chop up ten or so people in Los Angeles? Suggesting that there is no distinction between soldiers engaged in battle and two girls being gunned down outside a party is not only irresponsible, it's ugly.

And when it really comes down to it, guess who's going to fight that war? Certainly not the "thinking classes".

Then there is the ambivalence about firearms. Right-wing libertarians, some dedicated pheasant-blasters, are fond of the gun. Their mantra is that of the American firearms lobby: people, not weapons, are the killers.

Yep. Until the day that weapons develop minds of their own and begin killing of their own will and not the will of a triggerman, that's going to remain my mantra. And by the way, I wouldn't describe myself as "right-wing", "libertarian" or as "fond of the gun".