Friday, August 02, 2002

I'm probably going to be updating my links this weekend, so if I owe you one, please drop me a note. Also, let me know if you prefer to be shown by your own name or by the name of your site. For instance, if I've got you listed as "Dawson", and you'd rather it be "Ann Coulter's Studly Love Slave", I'll be happy to make any changes.

This updating, of course, will depend entirely on how well I am able to procrastinate on tackling the massive heap of laundry that's waiting for me at home, which can now officially be classified as a medieval torture device:

"For crimes against the king, I sentence you to crawl through that pile."

"Please...the but the pile!"

I should never have fired my maid.

Wills baby, when are you going to come out of hiding? You haven’t posted anything in months. Everybody knows you don’t have much of a real job these days. Is Ffion keeping you too busy for us? Come back!

The Center For People Who Are Sick To Death Of The Easily Offended brings you today’s outrage, from the “Starvin’ Marvin” episode of “South Park”

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don’t know, Eric. They just do.

U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld issued a classified memo to the U.S. Special Operations command, ordering it to "capture or kill" the top leadership of al Qaeda, sources told CNN Friday.


UN Atlas of Biodiversity Maps Human Impact

I guess I'd better go hug something.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

I found this quiz at the Pejmeister's place.

0 %

My weblog owns 0 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

My honest answer to every single question was "no", so I guess I'm not as big a loser as I originally thought. Or maybe I am, and this fellow just didn't ask the right questions.

Massive Prick to consider standing in local election!

Mr [John] White, a former member of the now defunct Ulster Democratic Party, said Adair had always said he would not enter politics but after considerable encouragement he was considering what he could do to help his native area of the Shankill Road in west Belfast.

After it became clear to Mr. Adair that killing people and blowing stuff up wasn't really helping much, he's become willing, encouraged by the success of a number of Sinn Fein candidates, to pretend to abandon his terrorist past and use legitimate political means for intimidating others.*

*well, you know...

So Anne Robinson, some mean, crusty bitch from some worthless television program apparently went off on the Welsh , saying "They are always so pleased with themselves. I've never taken to them. What are they for?"

I'm not Welsh, but my great-grandparents were, so, on their behalf, Anne, if you would kindly step over here, I'll be glad to show you. Just give me a couple of minutes to sharpen a few things up.

McGuiness condemns attack

In a statement further distancing mainstream republicans from the bomb, Sinn Fein`s Martin McGuinness offered his condolences to the family of the victim.

``These attacks, whether by rejectionist loyalists or dissident republicans, are attacks on the peace process and must be condemned in the most forthright and unequivocal terms.

"Take it from me, it's remarkably easy to stop killing people, so why don't you all give the filthy prods a break, eh?"*

*this is not actually a direct quote...

(by the way, this is what he's talking about.)

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

"Presley's fans loved him to death and back"

For the most fanatical of Elvis Presley’s admirers, the looming 25th anniversary of his death presents something of a dilemma: how to commemorate an event you do not believe has occurred.

Look people, don’t be dumb. Elvis is dead, okay? If the man was going to fake his own death, I’d suspect he’d fake it something cool, like passing in his sleep while clutching the Bible and a picture of his mamma. He wouldn’t leave the papers reading “slipped off the crapper with his pants around his ankles after his heart exploded in a freak pill-popping related accident”. I mean, would you fake your own death like that?

So, this raises two interesting questions:

1) if you were to fake your own death, how would you do it?

2) does this qualify as “writing about music” for Eric Olsen? If so, where’s my free CDs?

Attention Southern Californians: if you see the fellow above, please do the world a favor and take the bastard out. Thanks.

If I come out more half-witted than usual today, it's because a certain someoneorsomething kept me up half of the night being so goddamm interesting. The only thing that can cure only 15 minutes of sleep are methamphetamines, and my crack dealer is on vacation. I'm screwed.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

I owe a billion to this terrific blog, and now I'm trying to pay up.

I don't think I'll ever quite meet the measure.

CNN reports that "Two-thirds of kids surveyed said they had been teased or gossiped about in a mean way in the past month." What did they expect? Children™ in general, and teenagers in particular, are heartless, uncivilized fuckers. This is news? Didn't anybody important die today?

Twelve percent of the kids surveyed had been bullied five times or more in the past month. And 23 percent admitted they had bullied someone else.

I bet that percentage would be drastically reduced if they quit with the nicey-nice "zero tolerance" policy, and just let a brave kid go to town on some bully prick. Instead, schools are trying to teach kids to be wussy poof-pies© and impart some brand of "arms are for hugging" garbage on them. Lesson one, kiddies: kick the mean ones in the shins. It really hurts right there.

For those who have been lured here by a certain someone's promise of "porn", scroll down a few and prepare to be sorely disappointed.

The naked chicks in hot tubs who really want YOU will be coming later in the week.

Because one man's "political activist" is another man's "bloodthirsty terrorist", I give you Danny Morrison.

It seems I've upset a few people by posting a link to small little Lego figures engaged in x-rated activitivies. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone with the link, I just posted it up for a laugh. So for those of you who were in anyway hurt, I'd like to offer you a very sincere fuck off. Dudes, I did not deceive you. The link clearly says "porn". It's not like I wrote "Hey! Gather up the kiddies and look at nice pictures of the creative things that you can do with play blocks."

For your further enjoyment, I would like to direct you to Furniture Porn and Gummy Porn, both recommended by that special freak, Juan Gato.

Brought to you by the Center For People Who Are Sick To Death Of The Easily Offended

DUP to press PM on street unrest

DUP leader Ian Paisley was today challenging Tony Blair over the Government's "failure" to impose immediate new sanctions on paramilitaries.

The Prime Minister, in retort, challenged Dr. Paisley on his "failure" to stop being such an enormous asshole.*

A DUP delegation was expected at Downing Street around lunchtime to voice concern over increasing street violence and interface unrest.

The delegation contended that the recent violence has not yet reached an acceptable level, and met with Tony Blair in hopes of vacillating and antagonizing the movement backward in the peace process.*

The meeting came as a Government minister told DUP deputy leader Peter Robinson there was no doubt recent violence captured on a video tape in east Belfast had "emanated" from the Short Strand area.

But local SF councillor Joe O'Donnell said today he questioned any statement that violence had emanated from the Short Strand when the recent outbreak from May after a period of relative quiet had come from loyalists.

The deputy leader responded to Mr. O'Donnell's question briefly, replying "Well, who cares what that stupid poopey-headed poof thinks anyway?"*

*the writer of this blog has taken certain liberties with the text of the original article, but has only done so in the firm belief that not one altered word is untrue.

To whichever shithead over at the Times Online came up with the idea to shove those advertisements down our throats, kindly step outside and throw yourself in front of the first bus that passes by.

Today's Juan Gato With Cheese! Award For Stating the Bleeding Obvious:

Paramilitaries 'involved in violence'

Monday, July 29, 2002

Because I never said this was a family blog...I give you: Lego porn!

Shamelessly stolen from SR at Linkage.

Peter Briffa is back from vacation, modestly commenting on his "gorgeous tan", "fabulous physique", and the shocking news that Alan Duncan is gay. Welcome him back by going over and telling him that reality shows are stupid and are linked to the rise in a number of deadly diseases.

There are three really important things that one should never mix with alcohol: automobiles, credit cards, and the internet.

Automobiles: pretty obvious. Death, injury, and the next thing you know, the drummer for Def Leppard is missing an arm. Credit cards, and it's all like looking at the receipts the morning after fun at the Troubador, and wondering how it is that you spent $145.00 on cocktails without having to have your stomach pumped. Go online, and you wind up sending weird e-mails to the editor of the Portadown News that read "So what is it exactly that you're trying to say? I mean, Lurgan smells just fine from here."

Any combination of the three can result in acts of mortal stupidity. For instance, credit cards plus the internet plus alcohol: Lord Have Mercy. You've woken to find an e-mail in your inbox congratulating you for being the winner of the e-bay auction and are now the proud owner of a "Battlestar Gallactica" lunch box, which you've purchased for the bargain price of $28.00.

And it doesn't even come with a thermos.